I left Kurt a message tonight, (he's directed many of my plays including this one), and said, "Well, I'm at that place again, where the only thing left to do is put up a play..." He also knows this precarious game, and knows the score. Its all I needed to say. While we were in Californian this last time, on the day of the opening, we were completely out of money. I've been told that I don't understand 'the law of attraction' or 'the secret', as Opra calls it, but I venture to say that I do, but it is in another context. Art is power, art is necessary, art is the only way some of us can survive. Survival is a relative term in the 'land that is STILL plenty'. We have learned to live with 'too much'. There really isn't anything one can do to really 'be secure' in this life. Money can buy some good days, but if you live for it, it will kill your soul. I refuse to live my life for the sake of health insurance and a big house, I refuse to 'give up' and follow the convention, the 'law of attraction' doesn't know the value of playing a guitar for hours until the fingers are bruised to get a song that will give someone a memory or a tear. The 'law of attraction' does not know what Proust said, "happiness feels good on the body, but suffering sharpens the mind..." The 'law of attraction' knows nothing of eating a good meal that may cost only pennies. The 'law of attraction' is not a principle that MOST artists can even begin to employ, I'll take my chances at the poker table, and if it all comes crashing down, so be it. I am at a place in my life where all the cards are still in the hand, and dammit, I'm still sitting at the table, and the cards I have look pretty good. I'll take the 'law of poker'. Put my chips on the table. ALL IN.
God, that felt good to say. I mean no offense to the choice others make with life, I only want it to be understood that for me, life is not the motive for the mammon, life is the motive for the journey, and the journey should be that which is good for the soul. To my friends with large houses and health insurance, don't worry, I get it. I love to go to your houses and feel the security there, I am only saying I am not built for this, and the 'law of attraction' would never take me there no matter how much money I had. Its in my DNA. I'll be fine, tonight I know that. I'll do a play, as crazy as it sounds, it will feed me what I need.
I loved DB's comment to me where he explains the journey taken to a small theatre that no one has heard of to see the 'best of the best'. Can I achieve something extraordinary on the top of a mountain where one must have a four wheel drive to get there? The first time I went to New York City, DB, I had the same experience. I walked into a small theatre as big as a closet and watched 'The Tooth of Crime' by Sam Shepard and still can see the images, twenty five years later. The set was a dentist chair, and I swear it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. If I had not been searching for that experience, I would have never found it. One must never stop searching. Mer.
I need to stop and go to bed. Tomorrow is another building day, a planning day, a day to savor, a day to be grateful for what I do have. I have no lover, but I have a beautiful puppy. I have no insurance, but I have a strong body. I have lost my truck, but not my imagination. My fishing pole is twenty years old and nicked and scratched, but the fish still rise. My hair is graying and leaving, but my hand can still swing a hammer, my life is good.