Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Law of the Universe or The Deer Are Committing Suicide.

I was in a good mood on Thursday, no question. I dressed up as I always do when I go to Richfield, the big city, three hours away. I was heading to the Home Depot to get the rest of my set material, paint, drywall screws, etc. for the show, two weeks from today. I had on my 'cowboy' dress blues, with the old cowboy hat, not the new one. The day was spectacular. My first stop was 'Loa Builders', in Loa, to ask the owner there if he wanted to write a check for the Boulder Heritage Festival, for the saddle show we put on each year. He wasn't there, so I talked to someone else, which all seemed positive. I had all the supplies for the trip, shovel, (you never travel here without one), big bumper jack, dog, (Baby), gloves, and of course, some snacks and a small cooler. I leave Loa and cruise down Highway 24, empty and lonely, nary a car on the road. Oh, its about three o'clock in the afternoon.  As I past Koosherem Reservoir, at about sixty-five miles an hour, I'm on a straight part of the highway. The only thing a little strange is the deeper bar-pits on the sides of the road. For just an instant from my field of vision, I see something strange come out of the bar-pit on the left side of the road. Like a flash of lighting, the deer crashes into the front of my truck. I swerve slightly to the left as it has hit the right front of my vehicle. I quickly look in my right side mirror, and see the deer hit the other side of the road, up the hill of the other bar-pit and stop. My truck continues on down the highway as I'm stunned. I can't believe it happened so fast! About a mile down the road, I pull the truck over to examine the damage. I can't believe it! The right part of the hood is caved in towards the cab, the headlight and grill are smashed in, and the right panel on the right side has smashed up into the door. I don't know why I shut the truck off, but I did. You know the next part of the story, I can't re-start the truck and I'm starting to get that sinking feeling, like this is the end of my truck. It is. It was. It was a great truck, and paid for. Once a vehicle is paid for, the temptation is to reduce your insurance bill. I did. I only had liability, so my truck is dead. I'll spare you the details of the rest of this journey, but it was the next day that I finally made my way home. There was the tow-truck. There was the highway patrol. There was the insurance company. There was despair. There was the violence of remembering the deer, and the way it looked in death in that flash. I had just killed a living thing, it was a nauseous feeling. 

The bright spot was Julie Droubay, who lives in a little town called Glenwood. After several tries, (not much cell phone power) I reached her and she came and rescued me. She let me spend the night at her house until my cousin Cheryl happened to be in Richfield for the day and night. Luckily, and ironically, I have my Father's little Ford Ranger to hoist me around. I'll have to figure out other arrangements to travel my show. I'm a little discouraged. After months of work getting the show on its feet and having great faith in it, I'm beginning to rethink my efforts. Not so much doubt, just so much struggle. Why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to find my way? Is the Universe conspiring to keep me from becoming what I was truly meant to be?Did that deer commit suicide? It certainly seemed like it. I can't get that image out of my head. I've always thought that an animal's inability to commit suicide separated them from humans. It really looked as though it was intentional.  I'm not sure if any of this will work out. I'm discouraged, yet I'm calm and collect in a crisis situation. What's that all about. I'm having a crisis of faith today, but my crisis management skills are not working.  I have always asked for so little and yet want so much to have my little corner of the sky. Bob Dylan sings the cliche, "They say the darkest hour, is right before the dawn..." I do remember last year at this time, and what an awful struggle my life had become. So, I wrote a play, I create. That's what I've always done when the 'chips are not on the table'. The Universe came through for me. Will it come through again? Why is it so hard to trust it right now? It seems as thought my 'means' has dwindled down to nothing. Now, I have no vehicle. What does this mean. My cousin Camille lectured me on the 'law of attraction', and that I had to change my thinking to 'deserve'. I reminded her of 'Job' in the Old Testament, and we had a laugh. I guess that's it. I'll find some laughter and put my show up on the hill no matter what it will cost me. Forward. One day at a time. One step at a time. Jesus, life is tough sometimes. 

Today, I got a face-book message from a friend who send me 'another friend's' message. I will paraphrase, but it said, "I hit a deer at seventy miles an hour on my way to my mother's funeral. The car was totaled, I only made it to the burial..." I guess all things are relative, but I need a break soon, or its back to the working class salt mines... 

4 comments:

caroline said...

Camille can be rough and yet in this case she might be right. Even if it's just Baby, if you can focus on what makes you feel good for little bits of time, it can become easier to focus only and exclusively on what you desire. I'm not (yet) very good at this, either. But damn, it does work when I manage to hold focus. Maybe there's more for you to do here and that's why your traveling road show was temporarily detoured? dunno, just sayin'. A deer jumped out at us on that exact same stretch 2 years ago. I sometimes think that when I'm in a damaging accident I may have been spared a much worse one if I'd continued on down the road. you just never know. But know this, Raymond, you've got so many folks here and everywhere who will help you do/get there/buy what you need to make those dreams reality. Deer? no, DEAR ones...

Gerry said...

Hmm, I read this and thought of the many many trips long distance you have made in that trusty truck, and I cannot think that this is bad luck but I think the message is that you are to center on Boulder to build your theater empire and it will come. Bring people to you instead of you going to them. Because there is so much more risk in going on the road. Then you can do whatever you have to do in the winter to survive. Cars break down, blow engines, hit deer and die. But other older cars may be had. In this case your dad's old truck you still had. A man living for great causes tends to have to deal with poverty. I am so glad you were not hurt! Mom

Grace said...

i wonder if that deer was an artist....

LaRena said...

Oh those beautiful,wild, fascinating, unperdictable damn deer. The same spot game me my only deer killing eperience. I was driving my dad's shiny ,well cared for GMc. Five deer bounded in front of me I slowed and swerved. Missed every single one and said whew, thanks be to the angels. Just then a lonely (probably suicidal) one jum[s u[ and into my front fender. I didn't even stop as I sawin my rear view mirror,itwas spinnning in the road behind me. It was not to be rescued for sure. LeFair was coming a few miles behind me in the big truck and I knew he would do whatever was necessary. Lucky me.My damage to dad's pickup was not as extensive as yours and I didn't look at it until Richfield. I had the same sickening feeling you discribe.

Keep giving yourself pep talks to hang on to your dreams, or as the saying goes, "Throw your heart over the fence and the Universe will support you."

Incidently your a special writter. I love your blogs.