Friday, November 28, 2008


Against better judgement,  I've been watching CNN all day, thinking about what a dangerous world its become.  Its so difficult to wrap a mind around this kind of killing, reminding me of how fragile life is--a cliche, but so true.  Extremism almost seem like a mental illness to me, its the only way I can begin to understand that kind of disciplined madness.  I've experienced plenty of depression and suicidal thoughts, still, its difficult to understand the suicide for a proposed purpose. Suicide that is selfishly motivated is a very different kind of taking a life. As I watch this whole episode unfold, I can't help thinking how precious life is, it reminds one to rethink destructive behavior, and choose life. I was talking to my mother on the phone, as I did, I was reminded  how difficult it is to not have accountability, although I have friends here, I'll have to build a wider base of accountability, so that the discipline can manage what I have to do. 

Listening to all the interviews emerge in India, I was struck by the fear in some of the voices, which I suppose is what the terrorists try to create--perhaps fear is multi-dimensional, on the one hand in extreme doses it becomes closer to evil, and yet facing our own individual fear is part of living a vibrant life. It seems somewhat strange to me as someone who has spent the majority of my adult life facing fear in the theatre. One would reason that after facing these fears over and over, I would have overcome it, alas, I do know what to expect, but still, the fear of failure is always there. Today,  what I am down here to execute seems so insignificant in comparison to what so many in the world face. I think of the soldier securing the streets of Iraq, or a child who has to face hunger each day. I suppose if I can create some universal connection with my shows, and change for the better a thought of a life, It will be worth it. However, when these things happen I have a compulsion to want to go and help. I suppose each of us has to decide what we can do to help how we can. Perhaps spending time thinking about it and sending our thoughts and prayers does help. 

Tomorrow I have two main tasks, I have to find an A.A meeting so that I can connect with people who are living a sober life, and then I'm off to Cal-State Fullerton to watch my cousin Andy play basketball and to see my other cousins.  I'm feeling a little alone tonight, but its not something I haven't felt before, its sometimes a part of life. This weekend I'll spend a couple more days exploring and getting focussed, then the first of December I will start a more disciplined plan of re-writing 'Bohemian Cowboy'.  The rewriting process is this: When you first write something it seems brilliant. Two days later it turns to mud. Two weeks later it has potential. I love the re-writing process, but again, one has to 'get to the mountain' to climb it. Its time to make the drive to the mountain. 

I've learned that playing my guitar and writing a song is a sure way to a companionship, I played most of the day yesterday at my friend Kent's house. Its interesting how performing relaxes me, I've gotten used to playing anywhere and any place I can. I didn't know all the people at his house, but music can build a bridge--and I made some friends. 

Tonight I am going to prayer and think about India, and oddly, I've been praying for Barrack Obama.  I suppose not really, oddly, I just haven't prayed for a president in many years... he's going to need lots of support. 


TJ in Boulder said...

You are not alone. TJ

Gerry said...

I do think that seeing terrorist attacks makes one wonder what to do that might be more significant in fighting the evils of the world, but I think artists, playwrights, have always had the capacity to inspire people, illuminate dark corners, affect people's emotions in a more profound way, so that makes the attempt worth doing. For example the novelist writing about Bombay made me see the whole scene as it was taking place much more clearly. For this I am grateful for the novelist who can do it. Mom