Although the music scene is thriving in Austin, the musicians are playing for much less money, because the music industry is in such disarray. The tickets here are cheap to see amazing acts, and these acts are playing often to make a living. I've been perusing jobs here 'online' and just read that Austin is still losing more jobs than are available. Its probably the same in lots of cities, there is still such a feeling of strife, or maybe its me, striving to do today what seems impossible. Still, with very little money right now, I'm moving forward, and learning much, even though some of the lessons are pretty tough. I've been doing the 'direct marketing' approach, but its fruitless until I get a review 'here' to refer my evangelism. If there is an upside, its always the show, and what I'm learning. Technique and theory I've been teaching for years I'm discovering, but today I'm asking, for what? I have to remind myself that what I'm doing is important enough to warrant what I'm going through. Its the old adage, 'when you are winning, the world is with you, when you are losing, its very lonely...' I've always been able to revive my enthusiasm, today, though, honestly, I feel like 'giving up'. I noticed yesterday in the paper, the two shows that are playing in the 'bigger' theaters are 'Greater Tuna Does Christmas', and the musical, 'One Hundred and One Dalmatians'. There are ads for these two shows everywhere it seems, and somewhere, there are thousands and thousands of dollars behind these shows. Today, I feel like going to work in a convenience store and writing a novel, (which would probably never get read). I've given up a lot to do this, and even though I believe somewhere there is a 'tipping point', it seems so far away right now. I'm telling myself to be patient, but you can't eat patience. I've never lived an opulent life, and now I'm finding that being poor and doing art was much easier at twenty seven than it is now--even though with the experience of living life there is the variable of getting at the meat faster, and the quality of course, tends to be much higher. I guess all of us have days when we question our choices, today is one of those days for me. Perhaps, as I get older, I'm recognizing that what I'm doing may be archaic, maybe it goes with aging. Its even beginning to affect me musically, I'm continuing to play my songs and attempt to write some new ones, but being in Austin has really taken a toll on my musical confidence, I may be way out of my league. There is no objectivity with your own talent, and at low tide, the subjectivity is so 'iffy'. Wow, this beginning to read like a eulogy for the death of an artistic vision, and I'm reticent to even post, but If I'm going to blog honestly about my experiences, I must also write about the down days, maybe its an exercise in purging. I do know that unexpected miracles (over used word but the semantics of it are accurate) have happened frequently on my journey, and so I will lean once again on those...
"Its amazing to me how quickly the notion of faith can fall within, how lonely I feel when a moment ago I was arm wrestling with the creator of the universe..."
Quote from 'Bohemian Cowboy'
"Faith, the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen..."