Sunday, October 3, 2010

'Why Blog? Part Two of W.O.R.N., Radio Garber County'

Its Sunday, and I have so much to do today, but after talking for awhile with a friend this morning, I decided I needed to write to make some sense of everything going on in my head. In addition, Cheryl has asked me if I wanted to do a workshop this next Saturday at a the writing workshop on the 'blogging' process, so I better get with the writing this week. Although I have been writing, it's been in another forms, playwriting and songwriting, which I also love to do.

My last entry, the beginning of the radio play, has taken some strange turns, as plays often do, but I do plan on posting them to see if the strange turn is funny to others or if it is just self indulgent and weirdly funny to myself. As I started to bring different characters into the mix, I couldn't really stop what they wanted to say, and so I let them, even though I sometimes felt conflictive on what they wanted to say. Sometimes, writing a play, the beginning seems effortless, (even though I did lots of re-writing on what you saw and have since re-written even what I posted) but it zips along at a very quick pace, because you are flush with the idea and the enthusiasm. Then, what often happens, is you come to that place where you have written out the idea and have to decide whether the work is worth continuing. So, what I have is thirty pages, (about a third in play terms) and even though I think it will continue, I have to let a few days pass and hit it with a fresh perspective. I think I mentioned I wrote this kind of material years ago, and thought it worked, but it's also been fifteen years since I've mined this genre, so the writing does seem tighter and more focused having lived fifteen more years. And, it does seem good to write comedy after writing through some very dark material. I'll post some more at the end of this entry to let you tell me what you think.

So, now that I know I'm going to talk or teach about blogging, this week I'll need to do some serious thinking on the process and the why. Why blog? Why not just keep a journal or diary like so many people and especially writers do? Why go public with what your thoughts? Who really cares what you think? I think it is different for every person. For me, (although I'm often embarrassed when I go back and read some of my entries) blogging gives me an outlet and a public forum where I can get some feedback on what I'm thinking, and it gives me the opportunity to formulate the ideas that can only come out when I write them down. Further, because I do write in many different forms, I think writing prose expands my ability to express and infuse my other writing with a more focused written expression. I think the advantage of writing publicly is the feedback, but also the sub-text of the feedback that is unspoken. Writing takes discipline, even to comment on what a reader has read. So many readers don't comment, which is fine to me, it isn't a requirement for the reader to do so, and shouldn't be. For people who read blogs, I think like many forms of entertainment, (like reading) the choice to comment is arbitrary, and isn't the absolute means to the end. So what is the means and the end?

I started blogging at the encouragement of my mother, who blogs fervently and with all of her convictions in full display. With her blogs, I did notice a definite trajectory of her thinking, and the clarity of the thinking as the writing went forth. I thought that it was an interesting way to a write, a combination of first person prose without rules to restrain the writer. A lot like reporting, but again, without so much restraint. One powerful form of blogging is a report of the everyday happening in the life of a person. It is not the only form.

I also started blogging because I negotiated it as part of a grant that I received, and this was more of my own desire than what the grantee required. I wanted to journal and write about what it was like to go into the heart of Los Angeles and put up a one-person show. It was exciting to write about that process. I think it had some pretty good drama to the story, because it was a somewhat bold action, which would either yield some success or utter failure. Luckily, the process yielded some impressive results, but like so many things in life, the expectation and the road to success is so often elusive. It has been a story of some achievement against staggering odds, but also one of great disparity and heartache. The story has these wonderful moments of victory, but the back story is rife with character building defeat. Ultimately, the story is a paradox straddling both of these models. Ah, but the story is far from finished. The most amazing thing to me writing about the story is that to this date, there is a written record of it actually happening, and that in great detail. To date, about five hundred pages of writing. Is it a book? I don't know, but at least I know the story is recorded. One of my next projects is to put it altogether and explore whether a book it makes. I'm not really sure, because I have noticed that the 'blogging' process takes on a different form than when I actually start writing in a memoir form.

One of the most important requirements of being a writer is to write. In school, part of that process included 'journaling', much like a painter sketches. For years, I found my journaling didn't include a diary or an exposition book, (although I did write my 'letters to God' for a couple of years). I wrote songs, poems, and even included the plays I wrote as a form of journaling, because I made them all so personal. For me, the blogging process is a new form of journaling that I know will (and is,) becoming an important part of this now 'third act' of my life. The third act of life for me is the solution part of the play that I find myself in. I was telling the friend I was talking to this morning, that there was a point not that long ago that I didn't know whether I could go through or wanted to go through with the third act of my life. I thought, most plays now are two acts, and is there really a need for this third act of life that I have decided to explore? I wasn't able to find resolution in the first two acts, (or only superficially) so I made a decision that a third act must be written. Okay, so I decided I must go on living. Because the process of writing has been the most important act of my life, it is the metaphor that speaks the loudest to me. I was taught and also experienced that a first act of a play is the easiest to write because it's always easier to create the problems than to solve them. There are literally millions of first acts in boxes somewhere, lacking a second act, or for that matter, far from a third act. I've noticed very specifically as I've gone back to ALL of my plays to work on them, it’s the solution part of the play I always end up working on, it’s the hardest, and it’s the most difficult in life as well. It's easy to create drama or a problem, much harder to solve what it creates. I suppose for me this blogging process is part of that desire to constantly remind myself that this part of the life process is also part of the writing process. It must continue, or it is unfinished. Regardless of the circumstances of where my life has taken me thus far, the story continues, even if it doesn't currently happen to be a 'winning' story in the present. My gambling usually has some sort of pay-off, even though the stake is always difficult to amass. And so it continues…

Although the last entry of W.O.R.N. Radio Garber County has been re-written, I won't bore you with a similar installment, instead, I'll post the next section, where the characters continue to get more bizarre… Let me know what you think!

TELEPHONE RINGS—CINDY PICKS UP

CINDY

W.O.R.N, Radio Garber County, 'where cows were kings'. (Cindy listens) Yes, I'll put him on right away. Red, I think you might want to take this call.

CINDY hands RED the phone.

RED

Red Roundy here, what can I do fer ya'?

(Red listens seriously)

Yes, I understand. Can I put you on the air? No, I mean radio air. Ultra violet rays? No, I don't think so… Ladies and Gentlemen, I have someone who claims to be Mossy Hart on the phone, and he wants to talk to us, all of us here in Garber County. Go ahead, Moss.

MOSS

Radio World? Huh?

RED

They can hear you, Moss.

MOSS

I, uh, they can hear me? Who?

RED

Yes. Garber County. The listeners.

MOSS

Who?

RED

The listeners, Moss. Go ahead and speak to the people.

MOSS

We the people…For the people…By the… bye, bye now.

RED

No, don't hang up, Mossy, stay with us here.

(aside to Cindy)

You better get the sheriff on the office phone.

Go ahead, Mossy. Tell us what's on your mind.

CINDY exits.

MOSS

Now listen up, yahoos! I, uh, I'm Mossy Hart here, right now!

RED

Go on, Moss.

MOSS

I don't care what anybody says! I'm a hunted creature. The hunted is being hunted by the hunters, and they're creatures too, just like me. But them creatures speak another language and live in a different stratosphere of the earth. We are all of us, God's own creatures, though, from the tiniest mouse to a bull elephant down in the Africas. And all in between. Bugs too. Salmon and every other fish are like humans.

RED

We can hear you, Moss. Are you here in Garber County?

MOSS

Now, that would be stupid to tell you that I was here, and I ain't stupid, I'm just confused about stuff, and the side of my face is blowed up like a damned water melon, and it hurts! Damn them Chinese! There's still a war goin' on, and don't LET NOBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT!

RED

Okay, easy, Mossy. We love you here in Garber County. We feel your pain.

MOSS

Well, right now it seems like the only one that loves me are the other creatures—the inhuman ones. And pain HURTS! I had dreams too, you know, before the LAW and Sugar Lee took them away.

RED

Sometimes a dream fades out of sight, but it will return if we have faith.

MOSS

Right now, all my dreams is nightmares! Like monsters chasin' ya' and then your legs don't work! AND DON'T LET NOBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT! (pause)

RED

Mossy? You there?

MOSS

What? Who dat? (louder) Who dat!?

TELEPHONE HANGS UP

RED

Well, it seems as though the whole world is falling on the shoulders of Moss Hart. Moss, I know you are listening, and so are we. Call back, son, we want to help you. Here are Mossy's last words to me and you… "who dat?" Yes, Mossy, we would all like to know.

OTTO and NETA JASPERS ENTER

The studio. THEY are BOTH a little drunk

and ignorantly pushy. OTTO spots the

microphone at the table. RED continues on

with his discourse as THE JASPERS appear.

OTTO

Looky here, Neta, it’s a microphone, like your brother had at his weddin'.


OTTO grabs the microphone.

OTTO (cont.)

Hello in there. Anybody at home?

CINDY ENTERS and intervenes.

CINDY

Sir, please don't touch the microphone.

RED continues to talk to the radio audience.

RED

We are going to continue follow

This story, and we will get more information on Mossy and the

situation as it unfolds. Mossy Hart

Or 'Moss' as his Mama calls him,

grew up here in Garber County.

A little feller, from the very begin—

ning. Cindy is going to get his mother

on the phone to talk with us.

NETA then grabs the microphone.

NETA

All hands on deck! All hands on deck! The redcoats are a comin'!

SHE laughs at HER own joke.

CINDY

Ma'am? Can I get you and your husband to sit at the table?

NETA

Oh, I don't know… Are you the lady from the telephone?

OTTO sees RED.

OTTO

Hello there! Otto Jasper, from Still Water?

RED

Hello, Otto, I'm Red Roundy, I'll be doing the interview.

OTTO

Oh, good. Say, we got a couple of Roundy's up north of Still Water. Neta, who are they?

NETA

Whose who?

OTTO

That Roundy family up in Canary?

NETA

I don't know what in the hell you are talkin' about, sister.

OTTO

A family of Roundy's that lives in Canary!

NETA

Oh, Yea, they do, uh, a dairy farm, sweet milk, very sweet milk. Yum.

RED

Now, I understand you are a farmer yourself, Otto. Folks, Otto and Neta Jaspers have arrived in studio, welcome to the both of you!

OTTO

And good night to you, sir. Yes, Neta and I operates a small farm. Corn for silage, some onions and such, as they say in our business, just a small potatoes!

NETA

I remember them Roundy's! That boy, that oldest boy, Oh he's a bad one, that one, trafficking with the devil everyday—all day. Big feller too. Big hands. He could sing like a meadowlark though!

RED

Now, Neta, I understand that you saw something unusual on your place last week.

NETA

Unusual? What's he talkin' about?

RED

According to this report, you folks saw something, well, very unusual for these parts, and well for that matter, unusual for anywhere on earth, why don't you tell us about it.

OTTO

The thing.

NETA lets out a scream that even startles

OTTO.

OTTO (cont.)

What in God's name?

CINDY

Ma'am? Can I get you some water?

NETA pulls out a small bottle of whisky.

NETA

Yes, miss, I could use something to put on the backside of this.

RED

Now, Otto, you say you saw this, thing, too—

NETA screams again.

OTTO

Damn! Neta! Now that hurts my ears. Now, cut that out!

NETA takes a slug, just as CINDY brings HER

The water. SHE downs the water like the

whisky.

RED

Otto?

OTTO

What?

RED

Why don't you go ahead and describe for our listeners what you saw.

OTTO

Okay. You want the long version or the short version?

RED

The short version will be fine.

NETA

We got an in betweener if you want that one. It leaves out the fire in the kitchen, but does cover the chicken theft.

RED

Which ever you prefer.

OTTO

Well, it was jes' afor' dark. Neta was out in the chicken coop gettin' the eggs. She come out of the coop, and the thing, this giant ant, was standin' on the wood pile. Just standin' there, starin' off in the distance, holding a cedar log.

NETA

He was watchin' the sun set, just like people do.

OTTO

When she let out a big ole' throaty breath, it turned its giant ant heard towards her. That's when she started to scream for me—

NETA takes another long slug of whisky.

SHE leans into the microphone like a pro,

Like she's told the story a hundred times.

NETA

I don't deserved this. I'm a God fearin' woman. Jesus will never be able to remove the terror it burned into the shackles of my brain. I was hypnotized by its blazing ant glory eyes, as they looked into my mind. Like it was speakin' ant words that I could somehow understand. I was locked into some of the most wicked thoughts I've ever known. But I fought it, blasting back some of my own wicked words and deeds. I may be a gonner, I said to my self, but I ain't goin' out without a fight! Then, just as I grabbed a pitch fork by the gate, it released my mind, and it began to make this noise, almost like a helicopter sound. Like—

NETA makes HER own ant noise.

NETA

Like it was callin' to its brothers and sisters. I'm pretty sure this one was a boy.

OTTO

No, Neta, the sound it made was more more like—

OTTO makes another kind of noise.

NETA

Otto! I know what I saw and heard. It was—

NETA makes HER noise again.

RED

Did you feel you were in danger of losing your life? What where your thoughts?

NETA

I thought, an ant that big can probably run like a damned jackrabbit.

RED

How big are we talking about? Say, as big as a cat?

OTTO

Hell No! I'd say ten feet from the ground to the top of his giant head.

NETA

Bigger than that, Otto, he was twenty five feet if he was an inch!

OTTO

She don't know sizes.

RED

So, the ant began to threaten you then?

NETA

Hell, a giant ant don't have to call you names or tell ya' he's gonna shoot ya'! You don't see that every day, Rob. Especially right at sun down. Not on a Tuesday. Saturday night, maybe. Sunday, never.

RED

I'd hate to be on the wrong end of that stinger! So what happened then?

NETA

So, I yelled, "Noooooooooo!" Then, I screamed, and then I yelled at Otto to bring the shot gun and a bag of sugar.

RED

And why did you think sugar at that moment?

NETA

Everybody knows that ants love sugar.

RED

So, you thought the sugar would distract the ant while you made your escape.

NETA

The Lord told me if I had a big bag of sugar, I'd be safe.

RED

So, Otto, did you bring out the sugar?

OTTO

Yes I did. I knew from the way she was screamin' something was terribly wrong. It was the same scream she used the night we got married. I brought the shot-gun too. When I came out of the door, I saw Neta, face down in the mud, and the ant scramblin' towards her. I fired a warning shot, which stopped it in it's ant tracks. I threw the sugar with all my might, which luckily, landed right between the ant and Neta.

NETA

Wasn't no luck about it, twas' divine interference workin' here.

CINDY is having a hard time not laughing,

And RED is not far behind.

RED

Otto, I know the sun was setting, is it possible it was another kind of large animal, a deer, or even an elk?

OTTO

Elks don't have big ant stingers Mr. Roundy!

RED

How long were you passed out, Neta?

NETA

I don't recollect, Otto says maybe ten minutes. When I came to, the ant was gone with two of our chickens and the bag of sugar.

RED

Did you see the ant leave, Otto?

OTTO

When I got over to Neta, the ant had made its way into the chicken coop with the bag of sugar. My main concern was getting her up and moving into the house where I could get more ammo.

RED

Well, folks, that's quite the story, isn't it? I want to take a couple of callers. If you want to ask these folks anything about their ordeal, you can call 1-800-cow-garb.

NETA stands, a little wobbly.

NETA

So, that it? We done?

RED

Neta, we are gonna take a couple of phone calls, and then we will be done, is that all right?

NETA

Who'd be callin' me? You want my number?

OTTO

She's been a little confused since it happened.

RED

I'm sure it must be quite a shock to the senses.

OTTO

Oh yes. It changes your whole way of lifestyle. I don't go anywhere now without sugar and a shot gun.

THE TELEPHONE RINGS—CINDY ANSWERS

CINDY

W.O.R.N. Garber County Radio, 'where cows were kings'. Can I help you?

Okay, sure, I'm gonna put you right on the air with your question.

SARETTE

Hello?

RED

Yes, Ma'am, go ahead with your question.

SARETTE

Yes, I'd like to make a comment.

RED

Yes, go ahead.

SARETTE

Yes, well, I first want to say that I believe that these kind of things happen, and when they do, the first thing you want to do is just get on the telephone and talk to your friends about it all day. After the shock wears off, and you find you don't have any friends anymore, then you just want all of it to go away. My husband and I saw a giant lady-bug in the woods back in the late sixties. We both saw it at the same time. And you know, it was just so similar to your story. So, I believe you poor, poor people. What I wanted to ask is, Do you think the ant was from the center of the earth, or do you think it was from outer space?

OTTO and NETA look at each other.

OTTO

Well, thank you ma'am for confirming your belief in us. Wow, a lady-bug. Now that's something alright. I think that's a lot of, 'good luck'. Now, as for this particular ant, I, we, think it was, probably from… outer space.

NETA nods in agreement. NETA is clearly

Pretty drunk and to that obnoxious point.

NETA

Outer space.

NETA pulls out a pack of smokes.

OTTO

Yes, definitely from outer space.

CINDY

Neta, honey you can't smoke in here.

NETA

OUTER SPACE ants are bigger, it’s a natural fact! If that big sucker was from the center of the earth it would have been smaller and weaker from the trip. Think about it! This son of a gun was husky, you know, big stinger! And really RED! Outer space ant all the WAY!

OTTO

I agree a hundred percent with Neta.

RED

Now, the accounts that I read in the reports, Otto, was that you then saw another ant later that week.

OTTO

Yes, that was Saturday evening of the same week. Now, according to Neta, that ant was smaller than the first.

NETA yells. SHE shakes HER fist like a

A drunken cheerleader.

NETA

Center of the earth! Center of the earth! Center of the earth! Center of the earth!

OTTO

Neta! Pull yourself together!

NETA

None of you know nothin' about ants! The one in the kitchen was a piss ant in comparison.

RED

You saw this ant in the kitchen?

OTTO

I didn't see the second ant, Neta did, I was in the field.

OTTO wobbles HIS hand like HE'S not sure.

RED

You don't sound very convincing.

OTTO

The second ant is a little less likely to have been real. Our family doctor, Dr. Gill, said it may have been one of them post traumatic stress hallucinagenics. Or mind control from the first ant.

TELEPHONE RINGS. CINDY ANSWERS

NETA begins to sing and dance. SHE is clearly

Beginning to lose any semblance of control.

NETA

(singing)

I'm goin' where the grass is growin', I'm goin' where the rivers are flowin', I'm goin', I'm goin' into Caanan's Land! Sing it with me now!

SHE repeats the song and dances like some

Evangelist filled with the spirit.

CINDY

W.O.R.N. Garber County Radio, 'were cows where kings' You have a question sir? You are on the air.

RED and CINDY are looking at each other,

trying to determine whether this is good radio or

tasteless to watch NETA melt down in a

drunken display of spiritual weirdness.

MANNY

(speaks with a Spanish accent)

Yes. First, I want to say, you are a very brave couple to tell your story. Most people who see these things don't ever talk about it. I disagree with the lady before. I've seen some pretty strange things myself, but don't like to talk about them.

NETA

Well thank you Mr. Spanish Conquistador!

MANNY

My question is this. Sir, I know that you said that you found your wife face down in the mud when you came outside with the sugar and the gun. Why was she face down in the mud? Did the ant do this? And I have one more question if it's okay.

CINDY

Go ahead, sir.

MANNY

I know several of the national news organizations covered the story at first, why did they stop the coverage? It seems like such an important story.

OTTO

On the first question. According to Neta, the ant did not touch her, that she knows of, except for going into her mind with telepathic images. Now, she did pass out after she yelled for me, and I did not see this happen. It's very possible that the ant did physically touch her before I fired my gun and threw the sugar. A doctor from CNN did examine her and the results are classified. Neta also has a motor neuron condition and is heavily medicated. If her heart rate rises for any reason, she will drop to the ground like a sack of grain, which contributed to her passing out.

NETA

Sir, sir, lemme ask you somethin'. Are you from Old Mexico or New Mexico? You sound strong! Husky! Virile! Can you sing?

OTTO

Honey, let me answer the questions now.

NETA

Center of the earth! Center of the earth! Give me a C! Give me a E! Give me a…T!

OTTO

On the second question, on the networks? They stopped covering the story cause they were afraid of sensations. Like people panicking in the street and such. Also, they said there wasn't enough evidence to substantial our story, even though they found some ant 'goo' in the chicken coop. The man from the army took samples of the 'goo', and then they all left in a big giant jeep.

NETA

A giant jeep with wings on the sides! And rockets for blowin' things up! And they had antennas comin' out of their heads like beetles! The army has created an army of warrior ants to fight off the outer space ants—

OTTO

Neta, lets not get into all of that…

NETA

I've got information in my brain chips that they are tryin' to get this very night!

OTTO

Neta, calm yourself girl, I don't want you passin' out here.

RED

Well, look at the time. Otto and Neta, thank you so much for telling us your story. We would like to do a follow up interview in about a year, if possible, so the folks out there in Garber County can hear how you are doing.

OTTO

Oh Yea, sure thing, Red. We thank you for having us.

NETA

Can I have some candy?

CINDY

Oh Honey, I don't have any candy.

OTTO

Let's go, Hon.

CINDY expertly escorts NETA and OTTO

Out of the door. The next several lines are exit

lines.

NETA

Are we going to Kentucky Fried Chicken now?

OTTO

Good hell, Neta, what was that screamin' about?

NETA

What screamin'?

OTTO

Do we need to get you a shot?

NETA

Okay.

OTTO

When we get home.

NETA

Didn't I did good? Did we get a check? Can I drive the ship?

CINDY closes the door, SHE looks at RED,

Who is already doing another news brief.

RED

You are listening to W.O.R.N., Radio Garber County, 'where cows were kings'. If you have been listening, we have been talking to Otto and Neta Jasper, a farming couple who claim to have seen some pretty strange things up on the farm. But, you never know, it did get me thinking about what is real and what is sometimes the mind, playing tricks on your eyes. Now, giant ants, lady bugs, flying saucers? Who really knows? There was a lady in Kane County who claims she saw a flying saucer or as we call them, U.F.O'S, the acronym, of course, for Unidentified Flying Objects. Well, this lady must not have known that acronym, because she said that her flying saucer had U.F.O written right on the side of it. It's been quite the evening so far. Most of you probably know by now the desperate plight of Garber County's own, Moss Hart, determined to come home after breaking out of jail, as I now understand it, by pretending to be a, what is it again, Cindy?

CINDY

Well, according to this recent fax, he pretended to be his twin sister, during visiting hours. The guard was on his first day alone after training, and well now, probably his last day. Moss smuggled in a dress, make-up, and high heels to pull off the masquerade, and even promised the guard a date at The Steak Corral later that night. This Mossy Hart story just gets better with age.

THE BIG K BOYS ENTER.

RED

Its now 9:38pm, and we will be with you until the witching hour with a full line-up of interesting guests, some trivia, the continuation of our 'Cow Contest', and some amazing live music in studio, which we have coming up, well, right now. Cindy, who do we have walking in the door?

CINDY

Well, our guests make their home in Stoneville, Kentucky, and have been doing a 'rural tour' of back county towns, with back county tunes. Please help me welcome, 'The Big K Boys'.

RED

Hello, boys, while you are getting ready, I'll make a couple of announcements, and then we will hear what you've got. Let's see, after THE BIG K BOYS, we will be doing an interview with Filo Kaffador, a rising country music talent with some big shoes to fill, his Dad, of course, was Frank Kaffador, the originator of 'pine music', and that as you know, is music that is only played in the pine tree forests of The Big Lake region way up North near the border, and further, pine music's lyrical content all has to do with pine trees and pine forests. He's famous for it, he authenticates it, and we like to play our favorite pine music song here sometimes, 'The Pine Cones Are Telling Me Your Gone'. So, you might want to stay up for that. Okay, boys, you ready?

RONNIE K

Yes sir, Mr. Roundy, and I just want to say that you are a legend amongst anyone who knows music, in fact, we are going to play one of your compositions tonight.

RED

Well, thank you, Ronnie, but I hope you are not going to do 'Saddle Sore'.

RONNIE K

No sir, we are gonna see if we can surprise you.

RED

Well, alright, then. You know, speaking of 'Saddle Sore', my one and only top twenty-five charter, there was an old cowboy that walked in here the other day, what was his name, I have it here somewhere, Oh, here it is, "Curly Wall", who said that "If he had to hear his twelve year old daughter play that song one more time he was going to come over and shoot my horse." Funny thing was I don't think he was kidding. Well, when we are young, we do some stupid things, and 'Saddle Sore' was just one of those novelty songs that hit at the right time and never seems to go away. You ready, boys?

RONNIE K.

We are. Boys? One, two, three…

THE BIG K BOYS play two old songs, yet to

Be determined. When they finish, STEVE K,

RONNIE K, BOBBY K, and LITTLE K

Huddle around a microphone.

RED

And you were right boys, you did surprise me, I forgot I even recorded that song. Now you boys are doing a rural tour, is that correct?

RONNIE K

Yes, sir.

RED

Well, we here at W.O.R.N. radio wish you luck. And I am going to play the heck out of this new single you are releasing, 'Bright Lights, Small Village'. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Big K Boys!

BIG K BOYS exit.

CINDY

(this is off the air)

Red, I need to tell you something.

RED

Well, sure, go ahead.

CINDY

Filo Kaffador.

RED

What about him?

CINDY

He's in the waiting room.

RED

Well, okay, let's bring him in.

CINDY

If he says anything about me, it isn't, none of it is true.

RED

Why Cindy, I didn't even know that you knew Filo.

CINDY

I went on one date with him. On a bet from Tina.

RED

Oh, this is rich!

CINDY

He smells like bacon grease and peanut butter cookies, and he's, well, he's a strange man.

RED

Oh, he seems alright to me.

CINDY

Well, Red, I just wanted you to know.

FILO opens the door. HE stands in the

Entrance of the door like an actor,

Making a long entrance.

FILO

Red Roundy! Dandy Dan Dando! And Oh my gosh, who do we have here! Cindy Rick Stubbs, well, I'll be. This could be the name of a song! How about, 'Red Roses and Ticket Stubbs is All I Have Left of You'.

RED

Why that is just genius!

FILO

I've been waiting all week long for this little chat. Oh, Cindy, I have something for you, a surprise!

CINDY

I love surprises.

RED

Filo, why don't you have a seat, and we'll get started for the folks at home.

FILO

Dandy Dan Dando!

FILO sits at the table as CINDY moves

Away from HIM.

RED

Radio Garber County, we have a special treat for you tonight, Filo Kaffador is here with us, his new single just released, 'Lay Down in the Clover, and Let Rover Take Over', is moving up the charts. Now Filo, you are known for your use of song titles to sell records. Was this always the case?

FILO

Well, I did have a flare for makin' things up, especially namin' songs. But my songs and the titles are about my life's experiences.

RED

Now, aside from getting some notice from singing with your famous Dad, Frank, your first single, 'You Spank the Monkey, and I'll Spank My Guitar' was a minor sensation with college students, but was controversial. Tell me about that experience.

FILO

Well, I wasn't much out of college myself. For several years, I owned a spider monkey that raised all kinds of ruckus. Whenever I played my guitar with friends, the monkey would get jealous and get right in the middle of everything, and even bit one of my friends. Well, if you do the math, you'll find the title of that song. I had to discipline the monkey, and the song is about that.

RED

So, you take these song titles right out of life's experiences.

FILO

That's right, I think you have to, to make the song authentic.

RED

Let me read the names of some of the other Filo Kaffador songs. There's this one, 'Trouble Under the Hood and Trouble in the Backseat', now that seems pretty racy for country folks.

FILO

No, see, that was an experience I had coming home from a tour one time. My car broke down, and I also had a side of beef I was bringin' home to my folks in the back seat.

RED

What about, 'No Time to Lose Your Shirt, But I Don't Think I'd Mind'.

FILO

Yeah, I guess older folks don't like my songs because they think they are dirty songs, but their not, and I sometimes wonder what gets in these older folks heads. Now I was told that for example, my song, 'Alexander Hamilton Should Get me Two From You' was about prostitution, but I have a friend who is happens to be named Alexander Hamilton, and he was bringing home some strawberries from Northern California, and I asked him if he would bring me two cases home for my Mama. They were five bucks a case, and there's a song. I like to play with words, see.

RED

Now, I know this is a touchy subject, the relationship with you and your Dad. Apparently, he doesn't approve of your songs, and he has publicly said so.

FILO

Well, that's cause my Dad don't understand young people. He thinks that all folks, young and old should just sit up in the pine trees and smell pine cones, listening to songs about pine trees and pine needles. The way they smell, the way it tastes. The sound of the wind blowing through the pines. What they look like, what they are thinkin'. When I grew up, everything we owned was made out of pine, by the time I went to college, I just wanted the pine smell out of my clothes and not sprinkled in my food. That's why my mama went crazy. She couldn't take it anymore, and neither could I.

RED

Where does your Dad live now, Filo?

FILO

He lives in a pine cabin up in Big Lake Country.

RED

That's what I thought, and from what I understand, 'pine music' is bigger than ever.

FILO

I mean, appreciate my Dad, and him given me the music, but there are other things in the world besides pine. Hell, if he'd just move on to another kind of tree, I'd be happy.

FILO gives CINDY a wink.

FILO

(To Cindy)

Did you like the song I wrote for you?

CINDY

Well, I don't know, I haven't heard it yet.

FILO

It’s a classic.

RED

Now, wait a minute, you wrote a song for Cindy?

FILO

Oh, Yea, 'Cindy in the Pale Yellow Light of Mornin'.

RED

Well, I hesitate too…

FILO

Oh, no, see, that's what I mean. We had a breakfast date, I love my bacon and eggs, and the light was shinin' so beautiful through that café window on her face, I thought I'd write a song about it.

CINDY

Oh, really? I didn't know it was about that.

FILO

See, there are misconceptions about all of my songs. Its gonna make me famous though, so I ain't complainin'. I mean, what gets in peoples minds that make them think those dirty thoughts in the first place. Now, for example, the song I have comin' up the charts now, 'Lay Down in the Clover, and Let Rover Take Over', is about going on a walk with this girl and my new dog. The dog is just dang playful, and if you get down on all fours in the grass, like a dog, he just goes crazy. He loves to play. So, that's what the song is about.

CINDY

Oh, Yea, I've heard that song on the radio! It is about that!

FILO

People just don't understand what I think. Oh, they think they do, but they don't. Now, my songs are hit with college kids because the college kids know what I'm saying. It's hypocrisy, really, when you think about it.

RED

Well, I think I have a better understanding of Filo Kaffador's music now, don't you folks?

And Filo is going to do a song for us that he just wrote and it's called, 'Will You Still Respect Me in the Morning, If I lay Down the Pipe Tonight?' And it's about a workingman, a pipefitter, who has just lost his job and is telling his wife about that loss. Is that accurate, Filo?

FILO

Yes sir. And it’s a true story. A friend of the family, who did lose his job, also lost his wife because of it. It's tough times out there.

FILO sings the song. The lyrics are yet to be

written.

5 comments:

Gerry said...

I can see you are having a heck of a lot of fun writing W.O.R.N. Radio Garber County. I thought it had a lot of funny material in it. I especially liked the whole pine music concept. I like the Ross Roundy guy. Sounds like he could be related to one of your Roundy cousins like the one that landed in some farmer's chicken coop the night your dad and I were married, and your dad had to get up and go with another Roundy cousin to talk him out of there before the farmer shot him. Yes, I think you are writing about real life here. It sounds really authentic, only your dad's cousins might deny it if it strikes too close to home. Your dad first introduced me to country songs with names like those in your play, too. But he never had any where near your talent for making up really strange country songs like that out stealin' wild horses song. He did sing one to me I loved called Rustler's Fate. Who did you plan on casting in this play, some of your cousins or will you have to settle for imitations. Whatever you do just have fun with it and tell everybody that might object it is supposed to be fun so not to get their dander up.
My favorite country dialogue was 27 families on a one party line which was like the local newspaper with people eavesdropping to get the news.
Mom

Gerry said...

I got to thinking maybe I wrote something offensive in my comment, but I can't erase it, so I hope everybody that reads it realizes I meant no harm.

kanyonlandking-annk.blogspot.com said...

All I can say is that I just think that nothing wilder could happen and it does! I think you have a TV serial here about the radio.

Chuckh said...

A while back when I coulkdn't sleep, I'd tune my prtable radio in to this radio station that took calls about the supernatural and mostly about UFOs and such. This reminds me of a wacky version of that radio show. Coast to Coast or something like that. Wacky stuff. Funny.

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