'W.O.R.N. Radio Garber County' Third Part

There is much exciting news to write about, but for now, I'm going to just post the next section of 'W.O.R.N. Radio Garber County'. This is the first play in many years that I am obsessed with, and can't wait to always get home and get to the writing. As with the last post, all of the previous material that I've already posted has been re-written, but I'm not going to post it again. Once my website is up and going, I will create a link where you can read the play in its entirety, (with changes) if you want to. You are also going to be able to read other plays as well. One thing I learned at the Conference I attended, is that a website is a must. You must have one to get bookings. A friend of mine in Phoenix (I'm not going to use her name) is going to help me create this website in Phoenix, after I arrive the first part of November. I'm gathering all the materials I will need for this website, and have the materials for a good one, I think. There is much more I want to talk about, but its cold out right now where I'm sitting, (outside) and am also anxious to get home and work on the play. Here is the next section. Please tell me what you think. Your comments have been very helpful to me and the play.

CAUTION: Some parts may be offensive to some, but for the most part, its pretty harmless.

PART THREE-- Where we left off, FILO KAFFADOR had just finished his interview and is showcasing one of his songs.

FILO sings the song.

'Will You Still Respect Me in the Morning, If I Lay Down the Pipe Tonight'

The news came rather quickly,

The foreman shook his head,

He said he had to let me go,

That workin' the pipe was dead,

I put my lunch pail in my pickup truck,

That final paycheck in my hand,

Turned on the radio and cried,

And sung these words

…with the band,

(CHORUS)

Will you still respect me in the morning?

If I lay down the pipe tonight?

I know it comes as quite a shock

With nine kids the dogs and crop,

Will you still respect me in the morning?

When I lay with you tonight,

I promise if you forgive me, Babe,

That pipe will never stop.

Will you still respect me in the morning?

When the kids are only eating mush,

When the pine trees all are missing,

From the fire in your brush,

Will you still wipe my hands and face,

From the greasy grime of time,

I promise if you forgive me, Babe,

The pipe will stay in line.

(verse)

I drove my Ford home slowly,

Pulled into the liquor store,

Five whole years of sobriety,

Was about to leave through the door

Then I saw you waiting,

On the porch swing fallin' down

Mascara eyes from cryin'

Like some drunken birthday clown,

You took and roughly kissed me,

The words you sweetly said,

I'll respect you in the morning,

But right now it's late, let's…

… go to bed…

(chorus)

RED

Filo, that was just… well that was just a song that was made in…uh… heaven! That, that was… I'm stunned. How does it make you feel when you write a song like that?

FILO

I feel like something or someone just touched me all over.

RED

Well, just wonderful…

FILO

Well thank you Red, I write songs I believe that can touch the working man and the college kids with something that really gets them worked up.

CINDY

A fire in her brush? I didn't understand that line…Red!

RED

Cindy! Later…And of course, Filo is going to be at The Garber County Fair this Saturday to showcase some of his songs, and Filo, if I understand this, you are going to also do a magic show for the kids?

FILO

That's right, I'm an illusionist.

RED

Now maybe you can explain that to the folks that don't know the difference between a magician and an illusionist.

FILO

Well an illusionist gets paid better, I know that from workin' in the city. Another difference is the quality of the show.

RED

And what are some of the illusions that you will be performing?

FILO

Well, one I do is make a hundred dollar bill disappear into thin air.

RED

And where does the hundred dollar bill go?

FILO

Well, if I ever find out, I'll let you know, and I'll be rich! (Filo laughs) Come out to the show and you'll find out.

(seriously)

And bring a hundred dollars.

FILO

Cindy, I've wanted to give you this ever since out first date.

FILO reaches into his pocket and pulls out a

Comb. He hands it to CINDY.

CINDY

Why it’s a…Red, folks, it’s a comb! Thank you Filo.

FILO

Oh that just ain't any comb. That's the comb they found in Hank Williams pocket when they found him dead in his Cadillac.

RED

Oh come on! You have got to be kidding!

FILO

No, really, I got it at a auction in Alabama. I've never used it, but keep it in my pocket for good luck.

RED

You mean to say that comb was the one that went through Hank's hair!

FILO

And look, all the teeth are still there!

CINDY

Now, Filo, you know I can't take your good luck comb.

FILO

No, Cindy, I want you to have it, you can even comb your hair with it if you want.

CINDY

No, really—

RED

Tell you what. Let's let our listeners decide whether they want you to keep the comb. Is that alright, Filo?

FILO

Well sure it is! I think that's a great idea! I'm sure Hank would want the folks to decide, I know it.

RED

Okay, folks, you heard it here live. Call us and let us know what you think. Should Cindy keep Hank Williams's comb? Or should it remain with Filo in his back pocket.

RED stands.

RED (cont.)

Filo, it was good to see you again, and I'll let you know how the comb controversy turns out.

FILO

Red Rover, Red Rover, send… Cindy bent over!

CINDY

What did you just say?

FILO

What? Send Cindy right over?

CINDY

No, you said…

RED

Cindy, don't…let it go…

FILO

Red, Cindy, its been a treat. Come on out to the fair, I'll make a chicken lay down and go to sleep.

RED

Maybe you could write a song about it!

FILO

Don't egg me on, I might!

FILO waves to CINDY and RED, and walks out

The door. CINDY looks at RED.

CINDY

What do you say we never speak of this again.

RED

I'm with you there. Folks, what do you think?

TELEPHONE RINGS.

CINDY

W.O.R.N., Radio Garber County, 'where cows were kings' How can we help you?

MEGAN

Hello? Hello?

CINDY

We are right here with you Ma'am, you are on the air.

MEGAN

Yes, Oh my,

(to her husband in the background)

Dick? I'm on the radio! This is Megan Browing….

CINDY

Go ahead, Mrs Browning.

MEGAN

Yes, that Filo Kaffcorridor.

CINDY

Yes, Ma'am.

MEGAN

I knew his Daddy and his Mama years ago before Frank was saved by that pine tree, so I mostly knew Frank. But I just think Mr. Kaffacore is the nicest young man you've ever had on your show! I think what he's doin' for those college kids is just wonderful, and well, us old folks just love his music too, what's that one song you play all the time, Dick? Oh yes, 'If I Had a Screw For Every Nickel You'd Lost, I Might Still Be in Love With You'. Isn't that clever? Dick loses all the screws and I lose all the money. We just love him and his music. Oh, and Dick likes…'Pick Me Up and Turn Me Over'.

RED

Do you think Cindy should take Hank Williams's comb Mrs. Browning?

MEGAN

Well, I just think he's sweet all over her. Let him spark you Honey, he's a fine young man. As for Hank's comb, I say take it, Honey, then he'll be in your pocket.

CINDY

Well, that's sweet Mrs. Browning., thank you.

TELEPHONE RINGS IMMEDIATELY.

CINDY

W.O.R.N., Radio Garber County, 'where cows were kings' How can we help you?

MOSSY

Hey, peckerwoods!

CINDY

Excuse me?

MOSSY

I'm here.

CINDY

Is this—

RED takes the phone.

RED

Mossy? Is that you?

MOSSY

Does a fish use a scale to pick his weight or pick his nose?

RED

Well… I'm not sure what…

MOSSY

Does a fish even have a nose?

RED

Where are you now Mossy?

MOSSY

I may be forty miles away, I may be a thousand miles by now. You don't know, do you?

RED

Mossy, I have caller I.D.

MOSSY

What?

RED

Caller I.D.

MOSSY

Whose callin' me? Idey? Did you say? I don't know anybody by that name

RED

Okay, so you may be here in the county, but you may not be.

RED is signaling for CINDY to call the sheriff.

MOSSY

That's right Mr. Roundy. A feller can drive a long way with beer, fresh socks, and prison pretzels.

RED

Mossy, why don't you come down to the station.

MOSSY

Hey, you know that feller you just had on?

RED

Filo Kaffador?

MOSSY

That's right.

RED

So you are listening.

MOSSY

You tell him I've worked with chickens a lot. Chickens like to be tickled, and they like to be spritzed.

RED

Spritzed?

MOSSY

You take a water bottle, like a spray bottle you know? And you put it on low speed so's its not gonna scare em', and spray the chicken in the face. They like that. They'll respond to it.

RED

Respond? How do they respond, Mossy.

MOSSY

By makin' a response sound, sort of like a low moan, same sound a chipmunk makes when they'e in mating season.

RED

Mossy, I know you are calling from Delbert Erin's phone right now.

MOSSY

Am not!

RED

Are to!

MOSSY

I don't know no Delbert.

RED

Its okay, just stay there, and Cindy will come over and pick you up.

MOSSY hangs up the phone.

CINDY

Why, Red, you are just full of ideas tonight!

TELEPHONE RINGS.

CINDY

W.O.R.N., Radio Garber County, 'where cows were kings' How can we help you?

NORMA

Hello, this is Norma Hart, Mossie's mother.

CINDY quickly hands the phone to RED.

CINDY

It's Norma.

RED

Well, Norma Hart!. Where have you been keepin' yourself?

NORMA

In an apartment in Tuscalante.

RED

Oh?

NORMA

I wanted to be closer to Mossie so's I can visit him. He doesn't get much in the way of visitation.

RED

And, Norma, has he called you since his escape?

NORMA

Oh, Yes, several times. He's heartbroken and confused.

RED

Mrs. Hart, what would you like to say to Mossie right now?

NORMA

Mama still loves you, Honey!

RED

Norma, what is goin' on in Mossie's head right now?

NORMA

Well, if that question could be answered we'd all sleep better tonight. As his mother, you know, I worry about him. Mossie's brain has always been a mystry. He has a big head for such a small man, the doctor said when he was born he didn't want to come out, and his head almost kept him in there. They did a brain scan at the hospital and found that his brain did not match his skull, so it sort of 'rattled' around inside, creating a confusion. They also said his brain waves was jumpin' around like ants on a hot skillet. He's on medication, and doing much better since he staged the 'one man riot'. Mama loves you honey!

RED

It's all making a little more sense.

NORMA

I've tried everything. I even took him to one of them yoga teachers, they said meditation might help calm him down.

RED

And did it?

NORMA

Within thirty minutes he took his clothes off and climbed a tree. It was two days talkin' him down. We had to send his cat up the tree to get him down. He can't be still like that.

RED

Does he want to turn himself in?

NORMA

I think he does deep inside, but getting deep inside is another matter. Mossie don't like to be cornered. When he was a boy, he painted himself into the corner of the basement. He cried for five hours until we got home. Course by then, the paint had dried, but Mossie didn't know that, he's sensitive. We didn't even know he liked to paint.

RED

So Mossie is a painter? An artist?

NORMA

Not any more, not after that. Mama loves you, Honey!

RED

Norma, As you know, we are all wanting Mossie to be brought in safe and sound. If you want to come down to the station, maybe we can all work together to do just that.

NORMA

I am gonna drive over there to the sheriff's right now, we'll see how that goes. Mama loves you Honey!

TELEPHONE HANGS UP

RED

Well, folks, you heard it right on the radio, W.O.R.N., Radio Garber County…

CINDY

Where cows were kings.

RED

Yes, Cindy, cows were once kings here in Garber County, and now, well, I'm not sure what a king is anymore. Is it just a face on a card? Is it a word in an old country song, or is it word and an idea that has left us without one ounce of reason? We used to count reason as one of our prized virtues, now, giant ants have taken our reason and covered it with sugar. I can't help feelin' like if cows were still kings, Mossy would not be out there in confusion on a moonless night. He'd have fresh socks that were not made in China. If cows were still kings, Stanley Munson's tractor would still have a tire. I have a feeling, If cows were still Kings, Otto and Neta Jaspers would be sitting on their porch, watching the sun go down without giant ants sending them telepathic images…

SHERIFF BILL KANE barges through the

door, gun drawn.

BILL

Throw down your weapons, Mossie! We know you are here.

RED

Sheriff?

BILL

Police business, Red!

RED

Sheriff, Mossie is not here, we just talked to him on the phone—

BILL

He's not here?

RED

No, Bill now put that thing down, we are on the radio.

BILL

We are?

RED

Yes, we are. Folks, our Sheriff, Bill Kane has just stepped into our station on a tip that Mossie Hart was here.

BILL

That's right, we got a telephone call.

CINDY

Did you hear chickens in the background?

BILL

Yes, but that's not unusual.

RED

Bill, that was Mossie.

BILL seems a little nervous about the radio,

But intrigued at the same time.

RED

Bill, would you talk to us a few minutes about the situation?

BILL

I guess I could do that. You have some coffee?

RED

Cindy, will you get Bill some coffee?

CINDY

You take it black, right Bill?

BILL

How did you know that?

CINDY

The Fireman's breakfast?

BILL

Well, Yea, then, bring er' black as the inside of a cat!

CINDY

Haven't heard that one before.

BILL

Oh, Chester Beltzer used to say that all the time. I think though, it was the way he said it was why it was so funny.

CINDY

I remember him, now he was the auctioneer out in Seaver County—

BILL

Best auctioneer we ever had.

CINDY

Now he died last winter, is that right?

RED

Excuse me? You two can catch up when we are not doing a radio show.

BILL

Oh, I'm sorry, Red, I forgot.

CINDY exits.

RED

Now, Sheriff, what is the latest word on Mossie's situation?

BILL

Well, we knew he'd probably go to Delbert's, he keeps ten large boxes of fire works there, which is illegal for him to have at home, with the probation and all. Delbert says they are his, so there's nothing we can do about it, anyway, we staked out Delbert's house, but he didn't come there. You know, this is probably not a very good thing for me to be saying these things on the radio, Red.

RED

But he called from Delbert's house not more than ten minutes ago.

BILL

He did?

RED

Yes, he did.

BILL

Well, that is strange, I—

RED

Is it possible there is a tunnel going into the house?

BILL

Knowing them birds, anything is possible. Could you excuse me for a minute?

RED

Why sure Bill.

BILL exits, CINDY come back with

BILL'S coffee.

CINDY

Where's Bill?

RED

Police business.

CINDY

Okay.

RED

Folks, you are getting a rare glimpse into the intersection between the law and the unlawful. Or is it what we call, the sane and the insane. I hope you appreciate the effort being made right now by Garber County's citizens. Maybe there is hope, maybe there are still some kings out there. Now, we have Bill Kane on the scene, a fine man. If Mossie Hart was to be captured by the lawmen he despises, Bill Kane would be an exception to that rule, or course from Mossie's point of view, who knows? I guess the question would be, whose right here, anyway? I know, we don't know all the circumstances regarding Mossie Hart's incarceration, but we are learning where this young man's trouble comes from. And where is the fault? Mossie, these men, more succinctly, this man, Bill Kane means you no harm, Mossie, why he's just doing what he's been hired to do…

BILL re-enters

RED

Here's the Sheriff now. Any news, Sheriff?

BILL

I just talked to Sugar Lee Colten. The Colten's chickens started cackling all together, like they had practiced, she said. They think Mossie has been there.

RED

You know, that just may be, he seems to be fixed on chickens tonight, Bill.

BILL

It’s the damndest thing what Mossie can do with chickens, like he knows what they are thinking. I was shocked when he had his chickens at the fair, when was that?

CINDY

Two years ago.

BILL

Yes, he had just got out of jail after the 'one man riot'. Those chickens would do anything for him, just like a good cow dog. Mossie is like a chicken expert, like a chicken…

CINDY

Whisperer.

BILL

Exactly! You know,

(To Cindy)

I met that horse whisperer once.

CINDY

Which one?

BILL

There are two of them?

CINDY

Well, there are lots of them now.

BILL

No, this was that Montana guy. Thee guy.

CINDY

Well I heard that he—

RED

Sheriff? Cindy? Folks, Bill Kane, our sheriff. Bill?

BILL

I guess I better get over there, Red, if it's not to late, I'll come back and let the folks know how this thing turns out.

RED

If it's not to late?

BILL

No, I mean the time. We'll catch Mossie, he's not dangerous.

RED

Oh, I hope Mossie didn't hear you say that.

BILL

Why would he—

RED

Yes, he's been listening. He can be brought in, Bill, without anyone getting hurt.

BILL

I'll be back with or without Mossie. But I've got to get over there. Sugar Lee's mother is aside herself, and Sugar Lee's husband is ready to start blasting anything that moves.

RED

He's a spooky one, isn't he Sheriff?

BILL

Mack Steadman? He's a Steadman, they're all a little whacky.

RED points at the radio. BILL grimaces.

RED

Its okay, I forget I'm on the radio sometimes myself, no disrespect to the Steadman family, we need you, we love you, and didn't mean any offense by it. You're whacky in a good way! The world needs it, you need it, we…need it.

CINDY

I'm related to the Steadman's.

RED

You are?

BILL

How are you related to the Steadman's?

CINDY

Let's see, Sugar Lee's mother, Gertrude, is my great aunt Sophie's younger sister. I mean Aunt Sophie is way older, Sugar Lee's mother's mother had her when she was almost fifty six. Not Sugar Lee, Gertrude…

BILL

Really, that is something—so that makes her your second cousin?

CINDY

Yes, I think so, well related to the Steadman's by marriage.

BILL

Do you know Pauline Peters?

RED

Excuse me? Radio?

BILL sneaks out of the station. CINDY

Follows BILL out.

RED

As I was saying, Oh, this is a night, folks, well, there is justice, but is out there? There are troubled souls every way you turn. Was there still trouble when cows where kings? Oh, Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, mankind is rife with trouble and have had trouble since we where scraping our knuckles. My question to you is this—

CINDY re-enters.

CINDY

Red? Gina Carl is in the office.

RED whispers.

RED

Gina Carl?

CINDY

Miss Garber County?

RED

Oh, Yes, Jeez, forgot all about her, who else is coming in tonight?

CINDY

Well, Mrs Danzit is supposed to come in and do her commercials, and then you've got that stock car guy, Merle Johnson, and I think that's it… No, you've got Pig Nightingale, the comedian from Pinon City. He was last minute…

RED

Pig Nightingale? I'd say were over booked for tonight, especially with this Mossie thing, well, we'll see how it goes. Go ahead and bring her in.

CINDY exits.

My question, folks is this: Why do you think things were different when the cows where kings? I'll wait for your answer, I want you to think, think real hard… Why is it so hard to embrace change? Are we going to hell in a hand basket, or is the hand basket just full of new kinds of pastries?

CINDY brings in GINA CARL

RED

Gina Carl! Congratulations on you winning the crown this year! Sit down, speak right into the microphone!

GINA

Why thank you, Red, a shout out to everyone who voted for me, and a shout out to Filo Kaffador, who I just met in the parking lot.

RED

Oh My? Did he sing you a song?

GINA

Yes he did, I'm still blushing!

RED

Gina, now you were born right here in Garber County, is that correct.

GINA

Oh Yes, my mama was a Mertz from Tusalante, and my father was a of course, a Carl.

RED

So, you've watched all the changes growing up here.

GINA

Oh, yes, I remember when the roads were still gravel, and there were still lots of cattle.

RED

Now, we are getting somewhere. Gina, do you think Garber County changed when the cattle left?

GINA

I think it has. There's not as many ranchers and farmers as there used to be. Not as many dances. I mean we still get together, but not as much as we used to.

RED

Are you aware that Moss Hart, Garber County's native son has escaped from jail?

GINA

No, I was not aware of that, but Mossie's sister used to tend us when we were little. Mossie showed up sometimes.

RED

What was he like?

GINA

He was a kind boy, a little strange, but kind. He started hanging around with Delbert and that Carter boy, I think that changed him.

RED

How did it change him?

GINA

Well, you know, troubles and all. Them Hart kids was always hungry, I remember that. They ate everything in the fridge at our house, but mama let them.

RED

Now, the experience of being Miss Garber County, how was that for you? Was it a good experience?

GINA

It's been a great experience, but, well, things are pretty much the same. I got a gift bag with lots of cool stuff. I get to go on a trip. I got this crown, it's not real or anything, but it will be great to show it to my children.

RED

How wonderful and appropriate that you would bring your crown in here tonight. What are your plans now?

GINA

Well, after I get out of high school, I'm gonna go to Pinon City and go to college.

RED

What are you going to study?

GINA

Biology, I think. I would really love to work at the ocean. Maybe marine biology.

RED

Gina, I'm really glad you are here on this particular night, because I have some questions for you. Now you are what? Seventeen?

GINA

I just turned eighteen.

RED

You don't know this, but this has been a big radio night. And, how could you know it, do you listen?

GINA

Sometimes, when Mama and Daddy have you on, I do. I think you are funny. I mostly listen to the country station out of Pepper Lake. I still like my country music. Whoooh!hoooh!

RED

You see, I'm sitting here tonight with all these questions, Gina. The big one for me is: Am I just getting older or is the world really changing the way I think it is? With getting older, is the pining for 'the way it used to be' just a part of that process, or is it both?

GINA

Well, it's both, I suppose. I'm excited about the world and the changes it brings. I'm looking forward to my future and how I will effect the world. We can't stop time, and with time, there is always change. I sometimes wish I was still a little girl again, but I'm also glad I just turned eighteen. My grandpa always says, "Youth is wasted on the young." But I don't think it is. Many of us are aware that we are young and we are happy that we are, but also look forward to getting older. Grandpa says it works backwards when you get older.

RED

Your Grandpa is a smart man, I can tell he has a smart granddaughter.

GINA

Why thank you, Mr. Roundy.

RED

Please call me Red. Go on with what you were saying.

GINA

Not all of us, but some of us still respect what older people say, and understand it more than you think we do. The cows are gone, the dances are gone, but the people are really the same. Garber County is still Garber County, the trees are all the same, except bigger. Mossie Hart is still the same, even though none of knew some of the things he would eventually do. There's still that kind part of him, I'll bet, and I hope he turns himself in, so someone don't get hurt.

RED

I could not have said it better if I was Mrs. Higgins, who just turned one hundred and five.

GINA

And look at her, one hundred and five years old and has the prettiest and best garden in the county. Why I'll bet that lady could put a rock in the ground and it would grow.

RED

Gina, I can see why you won Miss Garber County, and I've just become a fan of yours. Thank you so much for coming on the show and being so smart and perceptive, to help answer questions for an old man like me.

GINA

Thank you for asking me smart questions, Red, that's another thing that sometimes is hard for young people. Older people don't always let us—teach them. We know things about how the world is changing, and we want to give it them. I appreciate you talking to me just like I was your friend.

(music)

RED

Well, Gina, I think you just became my good friend.

GINA

Mrs. Higgins doesn't want to be talked to as if she is an old person, she wants to be talked to like a person, just a person. We young people—just want the same.

RED and GINA stand. RED hugs HER.

GINA exits and RED watches HER go.

CINDY enters and looks at RED.

CINDY

What's wrong?

RED

I just got a punch in the stomach, that's all.

CINDY

She hit you?!! What did you say?

RED

No, no. Nothing like that. Cindy, would you bring me a cup of coffee?

CINDY

Sure. Oh, the race car driver's car broke down on the way over here, so he cancelled, but Pig Nightingale is in the greenroom.

CINDY exits.

(music ends)

RED

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that young lady just tied my stomach in a knot. Gina, if you are listening, you just gave me a spiritual experience. Folks, its like that revelation that comes when you have learned something all your life, something you thought was true, then suddenly having that truth change in the blink of an eye. The truth becomes blinded by the truth. Oh, I feel young and old all at the same time tonight, and the fields still continue to yield a crop, in spite of the locusts, the ants, and the boweevils—it persists, you see? The stars stare down oblivious to our predicaments and our troubles, or do they? I don't know, do you? Mossie, I know you are listening son, and tonight I know that you are kind, and that there is so much decency inside your soul, that mine pails in comparison to yours and what you have been through. Come home, friend, will you, come back and find that which has taken a vacation on the inside of you. Come and dine with me, and I will dine with you. I will open my door, and you can just walk right inside.

CINDY enters.

CINDY

Mrs. Danzit is here. You want her to do a commercial before Pig?

RED

Yes, that would be fine. Ask her if she can stay until after the Pig interview for the second one, she has two, right?

CINDY

Yes, I believe so.

CINDY exits.