'Caffeine! Resurrection and The Runaway Dog'

Last night's show was a small but powerful audience. The show is getting more solidified each time I perform. I have to be bolstered by the fact that each show brings its own discoveries, (interacting with the screen and the new photos, testing different text interpretations) so, the nerves are beginning to subside, and I can relax on stage and just 'tell the story'. Rustin's proficiency in the tech booth gives me freedom from worrying about the technical side of things, he really understands what I'm doing 'up there', as the production side of the show brings a heft that the show needs. (We've pared down the sound cues, but reinserted some since San Francisco). Last night, after doing the show now thirty times, I really had a renewed sense of the quality of the show and the value of doing it. (insert self effacing comment here to balance what I've just said). I still have fourteen more shows here, so by the end, I should really have it completely finished, perhaps once that feels right, I can move on to another project.

Coming down here was meant to be a three part attack, the show, the webisode, Caffeine!, and the music world. The music scene, as I've mentioned, is pretty hard to crack, however, the other night at the 'Johnny Cash' bar, the band playing was the first one I've heard here where I thought, "I can do what they are doing..." I suppose, going to see the top musicians in Austin right out of the gate was a little daunting, but it takes all kinds of music here to make it work. Rustin works for hours each day playing his guitar, I only wish I could be more disciplined with the music. As I feel more comfortable with the show, I can turn my attention to the other two parts of the bigger picture.

As for the Caffeine! series, its a project that has refused to die in my mind. As I've said before, it is something I know can work, and getting going again will be a continuance of the learning curve we started on two years ago when we started to shoot it. (it took nine months to shoot the ten episodes) As time marches on, I can look at the episodes and still be excited about its continuance. I can see the flaws, but I can also see the vast potential of this project. The first order of business is to get the website in a different and 'new' format, which Dan is working on. The website needs an overhaul to make a splash, and Dan is the man for the job. We are also about to launch a blog for the website, so that we can begin assembling 'friends' that are getting the word out about our project. Caffeine! is the only project I've developed that had any potential for making a living doing, although this 'one person show', BC, hopefully, can eventually sustain me, (and also free up time to launch a second season of Caffeine!) I know if we can find the right people to understand its potential, we will relaunch the project and a second season. Austin has a great film scene from what I understand, but I've not tapped into it yet. Kurt, (who directed now eight of my plays including this new one) is also interested in seeing this project on its feet again. He was the first to understand exactly what we were doing, and coined the phrase, 'high brow, low brow...' Although I don't believe we were the first ones to discover this hybrid, its a great formula that utilizes the skills we know how to execute. As pretentious as it sounds, we want to somehow literalize pop culture in a way that appeals to a lot of different people. (think Quentin Tarrentino meets F. Scott Fitzgerald) We want to raise the age level of our original cast, so that we can appeal to that demographic, and continue on with the tongue and cheek nod to the great books of the world, (or destroying them--depending on how one looks at it). Part of its appeal to me is that I know where the money is coming from to sustain the eventuality of the project, (advertising). I started a theatre company years ago so that I could immerse myself in the learning of that craft. When I was young and hungry, and willing to sleep on my brother's couch, eat bologna sandwiches and see poverty as a virtue, it was exciting and idealistic. Oh, wait a minute, I'm still doing that, what am I talking about! The point is, I want to parlay that education into something else that will support me and allow me to support others. I believe it is a natural evolution for my life. I love the theatre and its creation, but let's face it, its probably one of the toughest businesses to sustain and actually make a living from--Caffeine! will allow me to do both. (continue with the creative cycle of writing and producing, and find a sustainable living). So, one step at a time, I'll find a way to get this off the ground. I may have mentioned this in one of my earlier entries, in each project I do, there is a certain point in its early stages when I have a 'click'. There are other projects I have ideas for that never reach that point. Once the 'click' stage happens, its very rare that that doesn't eventually happen. Writing is the same for me. I've abandoned plays after thirty or so pages because the 'click' did not occur. With plays, I had to always see the eventual production of the play to have it 'click'. Once I gave a project a production date, the click had occurred, and it was now unstoppable. With the Caffeine! project, the 'click' happened in the early stages of the writing of that first episode. Even though I was going through one of the darkest periods of my life, that project continued. It had a sustainability that probably helped save me from greater destruction. I usually have two reactions when I 'pitch' Caffeine! to people. An enthusiastic "I get it, that's cool..." Or, the glazed over--eyed sidestepping reaction, "I have no idea what you are talking about..." All I can say to both reactions is, watch for the second season, coming to a computer screen near you...

Its rainy and cold in Austin today, so, no dog park for 'Baby'. I told you I'd refrain, (somewhat) from 'dog talk', and so I've asked Baby to start her own blog. Yesterday, to my surprise, I let her go outside with me for my cup of coffee, and for the first time since I've been here, she ran away. I was shocked, (I thought I was the perfect master with complete control of my dog). She ran away like a prisoner who just made it through the second fence. Rustin and I hopped in our trucks in search for her, (she's extremely fast), and fortunately, two joggers were holding her at the corner, (busy intersection) on the fast track to the dog park that I know she probably thought she could get to. So now, I have to leash her everywhere except the dog park. So much for the faithful dog, walking in unison with my step, just behind my right leg... "and that's the way it is in Austin..."

'Two Hundred and Fifty Million Reasons to be Grateful'

I survived my strange day. Its reasonable to think that if one has a day like yesterday, the ensuing day will be...much better, and it is. I will refrain from to much 'dog talk', as I now have found myself in the strange position of lauding the salvation of having a dog, I'll just say she was great to have around yesterday. Although, (last dog comment) she is presently in the cab of my truck covered with mud from the dog park, (its become her truck to do as she pleases with it) so I don't know how I'll feel when I finish here, and find out what I'll find there.

Once again, I've been continuing with my 'direct marketing' campaign. As I've said before, its probably more difficult to get a person into the theatre than it is to any church. Still, I persist in my quest. The people here, however, always seem interested in looking for something interesting to do. I'll let you know what my campaign yields. I've been giving out the 'two for ones' , so I'll be able to tell if they work, (they have to bring that post card to the theatre) perhaps my ploy will yield a 'trickle effect', and I'll eventually have to turn people away!

Another interesting parallel to my already fractured dimension. Yesterday, in my 'funk', I happen to have a 'Vanity Faire' magazine that Lucy had given me, (Penelope Cruz on the cover had nothing to do with it), okay, well some. Anyway, I fell into reading an article about, the lawyer and ponzi scheme artist, Michael ______. (I'm not hiding his identity, I just can't remember his last name.) Anyway, I found my palms sweating as I was reading this article, especially at the end of the piece, as he was impersonating people at meetings to fool them into thinking he was whoever they needed him to be, finally getting caught in his own web and falling. He had only bilked two hundred and fifty million, but for some reason, it seemed more fascinating than the Maddoff fall. I thought, this would make a thrilling and timely play, (and it would, except I'm probably not the writer for it). Like Tony Soprano, I found myself somehow rooting for this guy, even though I knew he was breaking the law. (He was actually stealing from 'hedge fund' investors, so I somehow didn't feel as bad for them). Maybe there are many of us who feel that the ultra wealthy, and the finance wizards have ripped us all off. I do find myself thinking, the actual number of wall street brokers, investors, and CEO'S who have broken the law, taken large bonuses, and generally 'hedged' their bank accounts, we will probably never know, (we can't put them in jail, who would run the country?)

I suppose when we are on a narrow ledge and feeling somewhat anxious about the future, its natural to wallow in someone else's misfortune, and I'm not advocating this, I'm only pointing out that yesterday was a bad day, but I wasn't getting busted for stealing 250 million dollars. See, even my sense of logic has taken a vacation. I guess its all relative as 'they' say. Who are these people? I mean the 'they', does anyone know this committee? It would be much faster to just ask them up front, avoiding the cliches from having to go through the experiences first. I guess the lesson is, 'count your blessings', ('they said it') 'keep the faith', 'deplore weakness' (Oh wait, I'm sorry, thats a corporate cliche, we know that committee). Okay, enough on ranting against the leaders of the free world.

Tonight, Rustin and I are being taken by Donnie and Lucy to 'The Mean Eyed Cat', a tribute bar to Johnny Cash. I'm excited to go, as Johnny was always an interesting person to follow and listen to. I'll let you know how that turns out.

THE NEXT PARAGRAPH CONTAINS THE CREDITS

Lastly, there are some people I don't know if I thanked publicly for their support and help. (If I leave you out, I'll get around to you). I don't know if I thanked Rich and Carissa in San Francisco. They were amazingly supportive, (Carissa came to three of four shows) and the accommodations were perfect. Also, on that trip, Aunt Linda, who was the best tour guide and hostess ever! Thanks to my sister in Phoenix, who made my short stay there most comfortable, (she also introduced me to the possibilities of west coast swing dancing, which rocks!) I can't leave out her husband Chad, who is always great to be around. I also want to give a thanks to Rustin Reber, who left home and family to come to Austin to run my lights, sound, and media for the show. He is doing a first class job, and its always great to hear this amazing guitar playing throughout the house. There are many others who belong in the 'credits', but Johnny Cash calls. (Insert your best Johnny Cash song here). Goodnight. Mom, I'll get to you on your ideas tomorrow... I really did like them, but don't know if I'm ready for Phoenix again. In fact, I know I'm not, but perhaps in the future...

'A Test of Faith'

Today is an especially down day. Maybe the post Thanksgiving blues, maybe something deeper, I don't know yet. The show on Wednesday was probably the best and most relaxed show I've ever done, for three college students. At least there wasn't any pressure. The review still has not come out in the examiner, and the even though the Chronicle came on Tuesday night, (an okay show) and even though I think the review will be good, it won't come out until next Thursday. Still, I've learned that a review is a tool, only a means of getting an audience. The newspapers are losing their power, as everyone is online, finding their information for what they will do, (if they can get away from the computer), which marketers are saying is the new challenge, getting people out to do things when they are finding so much entertainment online. Its easy to do, so much information, so much to discover online.

Although the music scene is thriving in Austin, the musicians are playing for much less money, because the music industry is in such disarray. The tickets here are cheap to see amazing acts, and these acts are playing often to make a living. I've been perusing jobs here 'online' and just read that Austin is still losing more jobs than are available. Its probably the same in lots of cities, there is still such a feeling of strife, or maybe its me, striving to do today what seems impossible. Still, with very little money right now, I'm moving forward, and learning much, even though some of the lessons are pretty tough. I've been doing the 'direct marketing' approach, but its fruitless until I get a review 'here' to refer my evangelism. If there is an upside, its always the show, and what I'm learning. Technique and theory I've been teaching for years I'm discovering, but today I'm asking, for what? I have to remind myself that what I'm doing is important enough to warrant what I'm going through. Its the old adage, 'when you are winning, the world is with you, when you are losing, its very lonely...' I've always been able to revive my enthusiasm, today, though, honestly, I feel like 'giving up'. I noticed yesterday in the paper, the two shows that are playing in the 'bigger' theaters are 'Greater Tuna Does Christmas', and the musical, 'One Hundred and One Dalmatians'. There are ads for these two shows everywhere it seems, and somewhere, there are thousands and thousands of dollars behind these shows. Today, I feel like going to work in a convenience store and writing a novel, (which would probably never get read). I've given up a lot to do this, and even though I believe somewhere there is a 'tipping point', it seems so far away right now. I'm telling myself to be patient, but you can't eat patience. I've never lived an opulent life, and now I'm finding that being poor and doing art was much easier at twenty seven than it is now--even though with the experience of living life there is the variable of getting at the meat faster, and the quality of course, tends to be much higher. I guess all of us have days when we question our choices, today is one of those days for me. Perhaps, as I get older, I'm recognizing that what I'm doing may be archaic, maybe it goes with aging. Its even beginning to affect me musically, I'm continuing to play my songs and attempt to write some new ones, but being in Austin has really taken a toll on my musical confidence, I may be way out of my league. There is no objectivity with your own talent, and at low tide, the subjectivity is so 'iffy'. Wow, this beginning to read like a eulogy for the death of an artistic vision, and I'm reticent to even post, but If I'm going to blog honestly about my experiences, I must also write about the down days, maybe its an exercise in purging. I do know that unexpected miracles (over used word but the semantics of it are accurate) have happened frequently on my journey, and so I will lean once again on those...

"Its amazing to me how quickly the notion of faith can fall within, how lonely I feel when a moment ago I was arm wrestling with the creator of the universe..."

Quote from 'Bohemian Cowboy'

"Faith, the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen..."

Hebrews 11:1

'Its All in the Timing, and There Really is a Time For Everything''

Last night, I didn't sleep very well. Part of it was not having a book that I could wrap my mind around. I finally decided to tackle Proust, 'Remembrance of Things Past', and trust me, the first thirty pages is just a confusing mess, but this afternoon, it started to make a little more sense. I didn't have television in Boulder, and don't have one here, (which is actually great) so, yes, I'm tackling those writers I haven't read yet. I always have some trouble reading the French writers, except for Genet and Camus, whom I both love. I tried reading Rimbaud, and my eyes glazed over. I love reading the Irish, except for Joyce, which I probably won't be able to read in this lifetime. And of course, my favorite tough writers, The Russians...

The other disturbance of my sleep is my brain working overtime to figure out how to get audiences, which, much to my surprise, doubled in size tonight, which I was grateful for--many of them college students writing papers. I love it when these students come to see a show, so many of them 'have to' do it, so its a challenge to connect with them before 'their eyes glaze over'. I was reading an article today in the paper about how the 'lecture' aspect of teaching is evolving into 'interactive' teaching, students now have so many things happening to them all the time, and so many sources of information, its difficult to hold them with a lecture. One almost has to be an entertainer anymore to hold the attention of the contemporary student. When you are doing a one person show, the audience becomes the actual 'live' characters that you 'work off', in this show, I break the fourth wall constantly, and am always trying to engage members of the audience. This is tricky, because so many audience members don't want to be engaged, which I understand. The material has to take on a non-threatening style, story telling that is more conversational and with some ease. Even in a contemporary culture, most can relate to 'story telling' as a viable form of entertainment and information. After the show, a young woman came up and ask me if I would 'autograph' her program. It was thrilling for me to see this young woman so excited about the play. I only mention here that she was African-American to illustrate how this show does have universal themes that cross any cultural barriers. She related her own experience with her father. All humans can relate to the never-ending search for a father.

The theatre reviewer from the Austin Chronicle was also there. And as always, most reviewers leave immediately after the show, and most of them show no emotion or reaction to what they've just witnessed. I had a pretty good show tonight, even though there was a few places I got tongue tied, with the words not coming out as easily. I've tried to analyze why this happens, tonight I spend and hour and a half doing 'prep' work, speeding through, going through all my physical motions, warming up my voice, doing stretch and breathing work, and most importantly, warming up my tongue and my face. Yes, I know that it sounds strange, but if you were to open your mouth as far as it will open, most will feel a 'pinching' in the jaw, and the jaw in doing theatre, (especially if you are the only actor) is an important muscle and bone to warm if you are spitting out difficult passages of a monologue. The same thing with the tongue. I have noticed that if I get my tongue loose, (it will also pinch) it helps when I get to places where I have to be fast with the words or especially clear. Still, even with all my preparation, there were areas I failed to get things clear. Its very difficult to finish a show and feel like it was flawless. Some nights, its just going to feel like you've entered a very challenging river with your kayak, and you don't know where the river will spit you out. The other element of preparation is the body. For example, Sunday night my body felt rigid and 'forced' in my actions, staccato and very 'up and down'. Tonight, I was able to get to a place where my body was responding in a more relaxed form, which puts the audience at ease. When I'm forcing my body to work, it frightens the audience somewhat, which although it is still a theatrical experience, its not what I'm trying to achieve. So, two critics down, and one to go.

Its almost eleven thirty, (at night) Dominican Joe's closed at midnight, so I will share one more story with you. Yesterday, I wrote about timing and location in my blog. This morning, I was in a funk about everything, but was resolved in my thinking that I may just have to go through a 'weird and down day'. I had no energy, went for my walk feeling like I couldn't finish it, and spent the morning in anguish about the total sum of my life, (do you have those days?). Oh yes, the story... Last Saturday, I was in this same coffee shop, I think blogging. I always take my watch off before I write for two reasons. One, it gets in the way of the edge of the computer when I write, and two, I time myself to get at least two hours of writing at each session. I digress. Saturday, I noticed that my watch was missing, and of course my first thought was that Baby, (the dog) had taken it somewhere and chewed it to bits which she is perfectly capable of doing. So, for several days I lived without a watch. Early this afternoon, I came into Dominican Joe's, and thought, well maybe I'll ask them if anyone turned in a watch. I went to the counter and ask the girl behind the counter if anyone had turned in a watch. "Oh My God," she said, I just threw that watch away five minutes ago..." There my watch was, on the top of the trash heap. "I'm sorry, she said, but we get so many things piled up, we can't keep all of them..." "I understand," I told her, and was not only ecstatic about getting my watch back, but was absolutely amazed at the 'timing' of the 'getting'. Because it was a watch, and connected with 'timing', I became convinced all afternoon that the universe was organizing the timing, and I was not to anguish about it. I mean, four days, and I came upon getting my watch back at that exact five minutes, coincidence? I'll let you judge for yourselves, but I was there, and again, one of those 'little amazing happenings' that you are saying to yourself, "No one would believe this story... or at least not the way it happened to me..." After all, I knew all the nuances that should have kept me from ever seeing that watch again. I suppose my point would be that if you have yourself 'warmed up' to notice these strange little happenings, they can lift you out of any 'funk' you may have, and set you back on the road to believing that, no, your timing is very good right now... trust it, I will not forsake you... Okay, back to the river with my kayak. The moral of the story is... we really have only marginal control over the 'timing' of anything, so we might as well trust in the universe to provide us with some surprises, and in fact, expect them, and they are all around us... goodnight.

'Timing, Location, and The Unbearable Lightness of Being'

What a difference a day makes! It was a great Sunday night show, (still a small audience of ten) still, I left feeling extremely hopeful and excited. Yesterday, I met a woman at the 'dog park' who worked at The San Jose Hotel, (a hipster joint here) she told me to bring by my post cards and she would promote the show to her guests. The light went on. Last night and this morning, I've been writing out '2 for 1's' on the post cards of the show. Later on the this afternoon, I'll 'cowboy up' and hit all the 'hipster' hotels and motels in the area, and offer their guests '2 for 1's for the show. I've also been doing 'one on one' promotion, harkening me back to the 'evangelist' days, only I'm preaching the gospel of theatre. I'm realizing if I can speak to at least three people a day and get them a post card, it will increase my audience 21 people each week (that's if they all came to the show) still, its an achievable goal, and I can be pretty convincing when I need to be.

I started noticing several years ago, while in Boulder, if I went to Wayne County for supplies, I always wore a cowboy hat. I observed that people will treat you differently in a cowboy hat. I think because any hat, really, you have to wear with a certain kind of authority to 'pull it off'. Because the cowboys are abundant in Wayne County, you were warmly embraced in the 'cowboy family' whether they knew who you were or not. More than once, I could see them looking at me like, "Yes, I know you but I'm not sure how..." I noticed in LA, a cowboy hat was harder to pull off, because during this part of the 'cowboy cycle', no one in LA is wearing them right now. George Bush and Dick Cheney helped eliminate that. When Dick Cheney put on his 'white cowboy' hat, and George hung out on 'his ranch' I thought, what a bad break for the liberal cowboys, (yes, their are a few), eight years of two faux cowboys really cycled down the 'cowboy mystic'. If I were doing this show back at the top of 'the cowboy cycle', you wouldn't be able to get a seat. In his book, Malcolm Gladwell asserts that the proximity of location and timing is a primary component in achieving success. For example: If you were in key locations in the late sixties and early seventies, especially California and New York, and were an artist, musician, or writer, and you were young and good looking, it was the timing of fate. (I'm not professing that this is true of every artist in the late sixties), but, if you were perhaps, living in Muskogee, OK, this probably wouldn't have worked as well. My point is that I've never had particularly good timing when it came to my location and my interests. I seem to have always been a few years off. I suppose many of us could say the same thing. "Damn, if I could have been in Paris after World War One, I would have been a famous painter or writer..." You get the idea, read the book, 'Outliers', by Gladwell to further your knowledge on the subject. It will change your notion of, "If I work hard, and set my goals, in America, success is eminent." There is much to consider in timing and place. Still, with some innovation and fortitude, a 'force of nature' can overcome 'some' of these obstacles. I heard a guy say at the next table at my coffee shop, "Yea, Austin was great fifteen years ago..." Then again, Yogi Berra said, "No one goes there anymore, its to crowded..." I think, that life has a certain kind of rhythm and cycle to it. I have noticed, however, that because I've placed myself in these 'artistic places', (LA, San Francisco, Boulder, now Austin) the chances increase that I will stumble on an opportunity that will give my little show, 'a life'. As the great songwriter, Sammy Kahn said on the radio, (as I was traveling to Tucson delivering Auto Trader magazines) to a young songwriter who was asking, "What's the best way to get my song to the right artist?" Sammy's reply was, "Play your songs anywhere and everywhere, you never know who might be sitting there listening..." I believe what he was saying is true, but being somewhere where there are an abundance of people looking for songs increases your chances of someone hearing your song, your play, your film, etc.

The key to continuing to being an artist is refusing to be bitter about the lack of success, (American definition), bitterness is the enemy of creativity and the plight of a vision. The other key component is a willingness to 'take chances' and to live an austere life. I am paraphrasing a quote in Tennessee Williams's play, 'Camino Real', but its something to the effect of, "The Voyage, the risk, that is everything..." Although he had money, (as I said in my last blog) he said he lived 'morning to morning', that the morning was the time he was truly happy, because he was writing... For many people, being in the 'creative process' is where they are truly happy. I completely agree with this idea, and will continue to place myself where I can find the highest degree of stimulus to propel me forward... in other words, live in the 'voyage'. So long, for today, but never goodbye...

'Audiences and Tennessee Williams'

So, the show opened on Tuesday, November 17, 2009, to a small audience, (but enthusiastic) and went off without a glitch. (Well, there were a few, but not with the show itself.) Wednesday was a smaller audience, but the show was even better. I'm getting so I can gauge when the show is strong, and whether there are three people of eighty people, I try to give an energetic performance. The show, is reaching a maturity as the shows are consistently without errors, which is a great sign. The difficulty of doing a show in a town you have not spent much time in, however, with a cast member of one, a technical director, and a house manager is pretty difficult. The show is meant to operate on a minimal of people, and I have accomplished that, however, usually, with a large cast show, everyone involved with the show, (actors, technical support, costuming, set and lighting design, not to mention the director) bring all their friends and family, so you can see the difficulty with an ensuing audience for a one person show. I never get discouraged though, I believe in this show, and its ability to create a buzz. It will, however, be difficult to do, because before I can create that buzz, I have to get 'someone' in the audience.

There was a reviewer in the audience on opening night, (The Austin Examiner), and from what I understand from Ken, (the artistic director of the theatre I'm in), he really liked the show. A review, however, still has not been posted. The Austin Chronicle is coming on Tuesday, (which is an important one), but it will still take another week for that one to come out. Reviews help with a one person show. Austin is a very competitive town in terms of entertainment, there must be three hundred venues of live music, which Austin is known for. Last night, Rustin and I went to see James McMurtry, (son of Larry who wrote 'Lonesome Dove' and 'The Last Picture Show') and I have to say, he was amazing in his own right. He is a great songwriter and musician. In Austin, as a musician, it is a reason to be inspired or depressed, (depending on how you receive it) but musically, the bar is very high. When you open the paper here to look at the music for any particular night, its remarkable what you find. Names of musicians you may have read about and listened to in the bar down the street. As for theatre, it exists in abundance here as well, but most of the really good companies have been cultivating audiences for years.

The glitches have mainly been with some miscommunication with the artistic director, (who was in New York when I opened), and being in a situation where another show is playing in the theatre at the same time I am. So, I've had to create a set within a set, which is working but not without some repercussions. Anyway, without going into detail, as of Friday, I had closed the show and was looking for another venue. With some very quick arbitration from Marie Hills, (the producer of the show) the mis-cues where solved and so the show continues. As you read this, you might be thinking 'Oh My God!' and trust me, I was saying the same thing at the time. Still, after a day and some negotiation, the show continues and 'I think' everyone is finally happy. I'll write more about this in retrospect, later, for now, however, it is still cooling down

and 'settling'.

All I can say for now, is that I totally understand how it happened, and it came from some mistrust, (simply not knowing people) which can easily happen in a highly charged environment, and dealing with artists who have lots riding on each performance. More on that later... there were a couple of days, however, that were as intense as anything I've encountered in quite awhile.

During those days, luckily, I had a book of memoirs of Tennessee Williams that I had just started reading. Now, I'm no Tennessee Williams, but after reading most of the book, it did make some sense how he ended up in the hospital, (don't worry, I'm not even close) and how the sixties became his 'stoned age'. Shows opening and closing in four days, (after weeks of rehearsing, not to mention the anguish and time it took to write the play). Critics, who eventually turned on him, and tore into him with a vengeance, (were probably tired of so much of his success). Most of us remember Tennessee Williams for 'The Glass Menagerie', 'Street Car Named Desire', and his most successful play, 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof'. But, for the successes, there were probably more failures. Although his plays brought him a great wealth, when it came to 'living a life', he had difficulty no matter the money or the geometry, (he traveled world wide in attempt to quell his sensitivity). I read in another book by Harold Clurman, "that a successful play in the theatre happens by accident..." (there is more to this, but that is the gist). I thought the book, (Tennessee Williams) was pretty self-indulgent at times, okay, most of the time, but it was still an interesting look into a playwright's life. And, ironically, it paralleled much of what I was feeling, (on a much, much smaller scale).

Okay, time to get to the theatre and do a show, (I thought it was 3:30p, but its almost 4:30p, I'm late. More later....

'Revolution and Rehearsal'

Long rehearsal yesterday. I finally got on the stage at the theatre and ripped through the show. The acoustics in the theatre are amazing--sounds like a really great monitor system, I'm happy about that. I've been 'tweaking' the show again, but as I may have said before, its very satisfying to reach a point where I'm changing small words. Memorizing them again is a different story. Once you learn something said a certain way, its hardwired into the brain and body, and hard to change. This time, I'm working directly on the script, I take a pen and underline the parts that are paraphrased, and wash, rinse, and repeat... Its tedious, but exciting to be at 'this point' in the show. I'm reaching that place where I 'really' know the show, and so have no fear of losing place. In San Francisco, I had a night, sitting on the stool when a light came up and blinded me for 'just a second', I was disoriented for a moment, and when I came to, I had no idea where I was in the show. There was no other actor to 'save me', so I thought, "Maybe I'll just play some random song and it will come to me..." As I walked to the guitar, (still not knowing where I was) I quickly did the Stanislavski trick, which is to place all your focus somewhere on the stage the size of a quarter, and the memory will work. I stared at the inside of my hat on the chair, (remember, all this is in seconds) and sure enough, I remembered where I was in the script. Ironically, it was recalling the 'disappearing specialist'. It's why the one-person show is called 'The White Buffalo' of plays, difficult to find, and difficult to keep alive.

I've had my apartment for a few days now, and am finally getting some routine, and although there is still much to do, I'm getting an early start. The last four days, I've been walking my four miles, and taking 'Baby' to the dog park. I'm learning that if I let her run with the other dogs, she is much easier to control for the rest of the day. Having to consider 'her' in everything I do, I'm finding I'm slowing down in my actions as opposed to 'speeding up' to get everything done. I'm learning lots from having this dog. At the end of the day though, she really is a joy to have, she even likes listing to Etta James...(is this crazy dog talk?) The other crazy thing is being at the dog park and meeting the other dog owners and dogs. I didn't know that I would talk incessantly about my dog. Baby did this, Baby did that... blah, blah, blah... WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

I know I was hard on capitalism the other day, but I realize its more of the 'loss of idealism' that I am chiming about. As we get older, its very easy to lose that idealism we had when we were younger and out to change the world. Life, experience, love, death, disappointments, etc., slow down those original plans and dreams. It's why I loved teaching high school so much, at seventeen or eighteen, the world seems 'ever before you'. If you're that age and can keep your emotions from keeping you off the rail of the bridge, the world is still your oyster. So, how do we keep our dreams alive as we age and become more jaded? I think always, re-invention, revolution, and curiosity. I admit, it is a little easier for me to move and do crazy theatre things without a mortgage to pay, without a family, or even a relationship, still, re-creation is an option for anyone, and its a cliche, but each day, that opportunity is given to us. I always love the idea of revolution not as the overthrow of a government, but as the arresting and overthrow of ourselves. I've always respected my mother for this, even though I don't always agree with her, at seventy-seven, she never stops pushing the ideas around. I have never met anyone who is as tireless in her creation. Its always inspiring to talk to her. The notion of revolution as a means to the 'way out' of that which is holding you down, is like discovering that there is indeed a creator in this universe. Put down your burden and pick up a sword...

Okay, preaching is over for today, its time to go to work. I have twelve things on my list that need to be done in the next twenty-four hours, and some of them seem impossible. I have to build a video shelf for the slides with very few tools, and find a screen, to cross off just two from my list. One day, I'm going to make a list of all the things one has to do to produce a play. I'm finding however, that at this point the show is minimal, I'm no longer trusting in 'sound production' or 'bells and production whistles' to rely on. I can use a card table two chairs, two stools, a screen, a projector, three shot glasses, fake whiskey, two photo albums, a house manager, and a tech operator. Still, with the credit card, set-up, the programs, the constant publicity, and the rehearsal, it still seems never-ending... cheers, start a revolution...today!

'The Steinbeck Dilemma'

I spent the first night in my apartment. Its a fairly old complex, but in a great location, right on the river and minutes from downtown Austin. A mile away, I found a huge park and dog run right on the river. Austin is a 'dog friendly' town, its a 'leash-less' park, so Baby runs wild with the other dogs. She is happy and FINALLY tired. My apartment complex doesn't lack in musicians, I truly can throw a brick and hit musicians to the right, left, and below me. I played last night with the neighbor, (a harmonica player) until two in the morning. That was right after I went to a play reading at Lucy's neighbors house. I'm finding Austin extremely friendly and open to lots of stimulus.

I'm writing to you from Jo's, a really cool little coffee shop on Congress St., and ironically, they are playing great alt country music, I truly feel at home. Today, after writing, I need to finally get to a grocery store and cook my symbolic pot of beans in the crock pot, a week now from opening. Although I am nervous about doing 'off days' at the theatre, I've never been to a city where I've been able to hand out post cards to everyone, and everyone seems interested. I went into a pizza place yesterday and found my 'Bohemian Cowboy' poster on the wall. Needless to say, it was exciting to see it next to 'Lyle Lovett', even though he probably has a little more in his apartment than I do. This morning I was looking around at what I brought with me, and realized that everything I have are 'things that I need'. I was reading in the paper how as a 'consumer' society, we have contributed to the decline of our economy, because of our opulent tastes and personal credit run amok. I'm not wanting to criticize a person's desire to possess things, but it seems to me that to live a life consumed with getting possessions seems to be a very empty life, (I may be rationalizing), still, the energy we may spend to 'have things' could be spent in a thousand more constructive ways. Although, there are times when I wish I could possess some more essential things... I read where after John Steinbeck amassed a small fortune for his body of work, he was constantly trying to get rid of his money so he could live the life he was accustomed to. Henrik Ibsen died in a furnished room in a boarding house, with very few possessions, one of the greatest playwrights of the twentieth century. I think it is very hard to be born in a capitalist society and not be conditioned to possess things through money and power, it seems a privilege to be able to create, write, and think about these things. It seems liberating somehow to just have enough to survive, and have a 'show' to do. I will admit, however, when someone arose to give me some capital to 'get this show on the road', I was dumbfounded, had never had that opportunity before, and was determined to turn that 'belief' in what I did count for something. Although it was not a huge amount, (in a business that is always undercapitalized), after years of struggling, it was 'a shot' for me, and I will always be grateful for that opportunity. As always, the show itself is never the stressful part of doing this, its getting the damned thing opened without running out of what funding you have. However, as Gus Edwards once told me, "No one put a gun to your head and said you had to be an artist..." He was right, and sometimes I wish I would have been a plumber, (no offense to all you plumbers that are reading this) or at the least, something that had a 'pension plan'. But alas, its to late to turn back the clock, and well, the older I get the more precious life becomes, when one realizes one's mortality, time, and what you do with it becomes so much more important. Okay, so I'm preaching to the choir, still, its always good to be reminded of the brevity of life, and to make it count. I will always be thankful that I read Genet's biography at a young age. Although I didn't understand much of his existential philosophy, I did understand him when he said, "We are responsible for creating our life through the actions we take. Talking about what we want to do is vanity, we must thrust forward taking action, action, action, and take responsibility for the life we embark..." (I'm so paraphrasing) but this was the part of his philosophy I admired and understood the most, even though its not a new concept, (don't say you love me, show me) at that particular time, it made sense. And so, stepping forward once again, taking a certain kind of action, and still living on the edge. I still adhere to the idea that there is truly no real security in this life, and so its best (in my estimation) to open up the senses, open up the heart, and live life with a curiosity with some bravado. Fear is always the enemy of the artist, and well, hell, fear restricts all of us in some way, so lets get it rid of as much of it as we can...

Tomorrow I will put my feet on the stage for the first time in the theatre I'll be performing in, a three hour 'acting rehearsal'. This is without tech or props, just a 'blocking' and line rehearsal really, sometimes I wonder how much of this show is still firmly planted in my head. I do know that the more I do the show, the more its 'gets into my body', and is not quite so hard to spit out lines and think at the same time. For those who are interested in the acting process, my theory of it all is fourfold. Head, (the intellect), Heart, (the emotion), Body, (the physical) and Soul, (the spiritual). In my experience, in the beginning of this process, the intellect is the leader, (you are trying to remember everything). The focus to see lines in your head and remember where your transitions are is the main concern. For me, many of the emotions are 'acted', although there is a sense of discovering what they are with every show. What I mean by 'getting the show in my body' is when I don't have to 'think' anymore, instead, my body is moving through the show in a truthful way. There are still many sections of the show where I still have to think my way through, but three quarters of it is 'in my body'. The spiritual part, or the 'soul' part of the performance is the hardest to achieve. Fortunately, because the show is so personal, that part of it is coming faster and fuller that it would normally take me in a role. When you see a great play or performance, it is the element of the show that influences you as the audience member, and hopefully, you will always remember. It is the 'mystical' aspect of the show that moves it into your subconscious, the manna, the artistic food.

And so I end for today, the grocery store is calling me, there is more study of the script, there is the procuring of furniture pieces, beans to cook, sheets and a lamp to find...

Austin City Limits

Well, here I am in Austin, Texas. My dog, 'Baby', looks at me everyday with a forlorn look on her face, I think she misses the wide open spaces of Boulder, but she is great company for me, and she gets me out walking. We are staying in a cheap motel until we can find a house or apartment, which I've been searching for from the day I arrived. Like LA, Austin has lots of traffic, but with a great downtown area, filled with western stores and cowboy bars, a perfect place to do 'Bohemian Cowboy'.

The theatre I'm performing in is small, seventy seats, (The Hyde Park Theatre) but, it is a well known theatre thats been around a long time. I went down Friday and met the artistic director, Ken Webster, and we had a great visit and had lots in common. Unlike San Francisco, the theatre personal here are mature and savvy, with a fully equipped theatre, which is ready to go. Although there is another show running simultaneously with mine, the space can be cleared in five minutes to put my show up. Since I left my furniture pieces in San Francisco, (thought I'd be going back down) I have to search for a chair, two tables, and two stools. As always, I scan the streets looking for Thrift Stores and used furniture stores, to get what I need. The only immediate glitch (besides finding a place to live) is getting a new radiator, as my deer smashed front end is finally showing its damage. It started out with a little hole which has grown larger with the long thousand mile trip to get here. So here it is, once again, with a few bucks in my pocket and a show, the 'life' I've pretty much always lived, so I don't feel the desperation, one gets used to getting out of jams.

Marie, (my producer in LA) has let me know there are two producers coming opening night, so the pressure is already on. I've yet to go through the script again, will start that tomorrow, with an opening a week from Tuesday. Although my performance nights are a little strange, (Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday), it will leave the weekends open to look for work as a honky tonk singer, although I've heard they don't pay much in Austin. If I can find a gig in a restaurant, however, I can do pretty well with tips. (Thank you Hell's Backbone Grill and Blake!) Its always a little daunting to go out and hustle that kind of work, when in Austin, if you 'throw a brick you hit a musician'. Even though there are about six hundred venues, the competition is fierce. I'll just have to compete. Rustin Reber is coming down in a week, (the technical director for my show) and also one hell of a guitar player, we'll join forces and see what we can come up with. Like so many of my endeavors, its the idealism that gets me here, its the reality that I have to contend with--maybe I live in an alternate universe. Combining the two is the key, I suppose, keeping the hope alive with one foot on the ground, sometimes, however, the ground seems a little rocky and with such a slope!

Friday, I went to see my friends, Lucy and Donnie. They live in the beautiful hill country of West Austin. Lucy has agreed to be my house manager for my shows, and she is a great hostess. They live in high up on a hill, in a beautiful home. If I can't find a place of my own in the next couple of days, they have agreed to let me stay there for a few days. Lucy used to live in Phoenix, and I did lots of theatre with her, from Terry Earp's 'Skimpies', to the 'Man With the Lady Like Hands'. I saw her act in a production of Genet's 'The Maids' in Phoenix for I theatre, which still stands out as one of my favorite Phoenix productions. Lucy came into my acting class in 1998, and until both her and I moved away, she had been in many shows that I either directed or acted in. She did 'Mamah', another one of my favorites, which was the story of Frank Lloyd Wright's second wife who was murdered along with her children by their gardner. It was a grand production, (written by Nick Newberry, a great friend and architect), it taught me a lot about architecture, which I still keep with me to this day.

Well, its time to fill up my radiator and look at some places I found on Craigslist. I'll let you know how it goes, as its time to start the process of blogging my adventures. Once again, the odds seem a little impossible today, but then that seems pretty normal for me. I'm feeling pretty 'bohemian' right now, but the day is full of possibilities and surprises... talk to you soon.