'L.A. Show Closes'

Tuesday, we officially closed the show. Its been a great ride. Having no real expectations except for very high hopes,  we were able to squeeze some great benefits out of our modest production. Its time to head back to Boulder to process everything that happened, that can't be done without some time and country roads to walk up and down. Last night was met with some anxiety, and my old friend insomnia. Still, I think after a couple of weeks I'll be able to calm down some, and get my balance back. My routine has changed so much in the weeks after the show went up, I often didn't know what to feel and when to feel it. I'm a little 'out of sorts' but at least know why. 

Saturday night will be The Bukowski Festival, and I'll help Scott with whatever I can do, and then Sunday, we have to be out of this apartment. It will be a quick move, and then another 'bohemian' drive to Phoenix and then back to Boulder. This trip, I'll take the Vegas route and stop at The Valley of Fire where my Dad disappeared. That will be the first part of the 'processing', after doing the show. So many of the images of his disappearance have become clearer to me having gone through the story. It will be good to go back there now, I have some items that I want to take out into that desert and leave there. 

I've been thinking about making a 'multi-media' film out of this whole experience, combining the play, photos, and video. In doing so, I'll be able to show or give that to people who weren't able to see the play here in L.A. Although I plan on continuing the show in Utah (and other places as well), I have to rest and 'make a plan'. Part of the process of this journey  is the continuance of the blog,  so even after executing the original plan, the journey is just getting started. I have a show! Wow! That feels good, very good. 

Kurt and I were talking last night of how this whole process feels like we have packed a year into these last three months, and he is so very right--we have really 'put the pedal to the medal'. The spirit of creation is so very energetic! Perhaps it is the eternal part of living, it so feels that way, as though creation may be the soul of God and the continuance of life. All of this has been such an act of faith, one epiphany after another. One revelation after another. One mystery after another. I am so very fortunate to have taken this journey, and as I have said before, "when you have nothing to lose, creation lifts you onto its wings..." so swift, and so very sweet. Stay tuned, the flight continues...

The Raven

It's Monday, the day after our original 'closing'. I can feel things winding down. This weekend's shows were really pretty good, I can feel the material finally getting into 'my body'. We extended the show to include this coming Thursday and Friday, but if the box office doesn't pick up, we will close the show on Tuesday and pack up our things for another move. Honestly, I'm a little exhausted at this juncture of the project, and could use a rest away from L.A., (even though I really like it here). Even with the great reviews, the audiences have been only so-so, but all the positive press will definitely support a tour show. Its time to make a 'grand' plan, so that I don't feel I'm caught in a the whirlwind of 'by the seat of my pants' mentality. 

In another week, I will return to Boulder, to rest, build a touring set, and focus on doing some shows around that area. We have also filmed the show over the weekend, so I can put together a sample of the show to send out. Austin, for now, will have to wait. After the reviews came out, I thought I would parlay them into a whirlwind show in Austin, but after hearing that theatre revenues are down sixty percent here as well as other parts of the country, I began to have second thoughts. I am still really excited about the show, and think it has an audience, it just needs  to be planned ahead. I've been working with a great producer here, and am learning much about how all of this works. I am convinced I can find the theatres to work with. 

Yesterday morning it was raining and a quiet Sunday in Los Angeles. I went over to the Seven-Eleven store to get my coffee at about 6:30am. As I was walking back, a raven flew ten or so feet in front of me and landed on a sign nearby. It was the first raven I've seen here in L.A., and in shaman fashion, it was definitely a little message supporting my departure. The raven has always been that 'messenger bird' in my life, and so I will follow this bird back home. In the fields where my Dad's old trailer lies, the ravens come and go with wistful looks and sometimes weary heads--it will be good to see them again. I've been day dreaming more and more about Boulder, its been along time since I've spend a Spring there, I'm looking forward to it. 

Saturday night after the show, there was another live show in the same theatre where I've been performing called 'Anita's Tea Party'. Its a combination of music, theatre, comedy, and poetry, and I was invited to sing a few songs. I sang two of my original songs, and of course, one Neil Young song--it was good to perform in a less formal setting, and a full house. I'm longing to sit on a couple of porches and focus for awhile on some music 'chops'. 

Once again, I am so thankful for the support and following of this grand adventure. Genet, the existentialist writer and philosopher said that, "We are defined by the actions we take, and not by just the thoughts..." After this experience, I'm convinced they both work in unison with each other, thoughts are like prayers, supporting the action in a powerful way. Thank you for supporting this vision. 

'LA Times and Dodging Bullets'

It's been quite the weekend. I was awoken Friday morning at 2am by Kurt, informing me that our review had come out in the LA Times. I was exhausted from being at the airport and theatre the previous day, and for a short time, thought I was dreaming. When I was a little more awake, I realized that he probably would not have woke me if it had been a bad review, and voila! it was an absolutely amazing review! I jumped up and went to the initial posting on the internet, (wide awake now) and was a little taken aback to be compared to Bergman and Proust. It was quite a 'heady' moment. Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep, and finally, I went outside at about 3:30am and went for a walk on the quiet streets of West Hollywood, thanking Gods and spirits for such good fortune. I'm no fool to think that forces beyond my control aren't at work here, and if you could be inside my view of vision, and could see what I have seen, you could not deny the magic of these 'acts of faith'. I don't know if I told you that the night we received our other big review in the LA Weekly we were probably the only theatre performing on 'Oscar Night', and would probably not have had press in at all if we had not been the only game in town that night. Well, of course, after that review came out, the LA Times could not ignore it. The 'Backstage' review was a little 'weird', but still folks, for the LA Times to come and give us a review that was completely positive is definitely a miracle. So, now we are all shaking our heads wondering what to do with all of our positive press. Move and shuffle the feet forward, that's the ticket. http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/culturemonster/2009/03/review-bohemian.html

This was also the weekend our tiny theatre entourage produced the world premiere of David Barker's one person show, 'Dodging Bullets' here on Friday and Saturday night. It was a great show, and having David here at the 'bohemian apartment' was a blast. It was non stop entertainment and improvisation. 'Dodging Bullets' is David's personal account of being in the door way of his sister's house when his brother-in-law, (a brain surgeon) shot his sister in the chest and shot at him but missed his head by inches. His sister did survive, and although the bullet missed David, it was quite the harrowing event to go through. David is the department head of the MFA program for 'performance studies' at ASU and a long time teacher, director, and performer in The Valley of the Sun, and we were once again fortunate to have him here for the 'tryout' of his show. Because David has been a teacher to so many over the years, both of the 'houses' were full of people, especially on Saturday, of former students and colleagues of his.  We had a great time with 'David Barker Weekend'. 

Last night, Fernando Teson, my fellow teacher and theatre all around player came from Phoenix to see Barker's show last night, and mine tonight. There were five of my former students there as well.  After, we went to Canter's, which has become our non-glamourous post show work ethic meeting place.

So, here I sit, a few hours again from another show, and of course everything that entails. Although I've done the show fourteen times now, I still have some jitters, and still get a little sinking feeling in my stomach. After I've done twenty-five or so shows, some of that will probably go away, but in the strange world of 'the one person show' I don't think it will every completely subside. Up there alone, there isn't anyone to save you, if you get lost, if you have a bobble, if you miss a line or (knock on wood) a section, no other actor will come to your rescue. You can't ask the audience to 'pardon you' while you go look in your script to find out where the hell you are. If you loose your place for a moment, you take a breathe and start scanning through where you've just been, and hope that the line will come. Doing theatre is definitely a high form of 'thrillseeking', and the one man show is going through rapids by yourself with a very small paddle. Really, though, folks, isn't that really what life is all about? Even though we attempt to secure ourselves and surround ourselves with safety nets and all manner of modern technology, non of us our immune from the 'one man show' that befalls us at times in our life. 

Today, I am filled with gratitude, humbled by the wonderful fortune that I had no control over, and optimistic about the bend in the river just up ahead. If anything, though, what much of this has taught me, is that one must always look down into the water of the present, and take notice of its splendor. See you soon. 

'The Dice Are in the Air!'

I've been going through a little bit of a 'down' phase, which seems normal after the excitement of last week. The always difficult 'thing' about doing theatre is the radical change in routine it creates, from an intense period of rehearsal for weeks, then when the show is up, the routine changes to something else entirely. There are radical ups and downs. Further, there is that constant pressure one feels even on days when the show is not playing. 

Last year, I discussed all this with a therapist, as theatre has a rather 'bi-polar' trajectory. From the initial seed of a play, to the casting of the play (in this case myself) to the rehearsal process, (with its own ups and downs) to the opening night, (a high hard to describe if one lives through it and it feels good) to the run of the show, and then, the nasty down time when the show is over. I can describe the show days as all of this bundled into 'one day'. I used to have horrible 'downs' after each show would close, generally lasting for a week. I've noticed, however, that the longer I'm doing it the longer the depressions become. I'm not sure why. Its a difficult thing to prepare for. Because my form of alcoholism has always been 'episodic', it also played a huge role in this strange theatre system. When I was younger, I had to be careful not to have an 'episode' after a show had closed. I'm always the most vulnerable at this time. While I'm in the middle of a show, even though I struggle with temptation, I have always held on to a 'work ethic' of sobriety, and will not drink while I'm working. After you have memorized thirty eight pages of dense text, you cannot deliver it smoothly if you've been out drinking and killing your pain the night before. Its easy for me to understand the nature of the 'artist drinker', after weeks of prolonged intensity, if the artist has not developed alternative ways of dealing with the fact that something is 'over', its a pattern and a temptation that is difficult to avoid. It is definitely a 'bi-polar' existence, rife with mania and depression. Although I don't believe I'm 'bi-polar', I do believe that the reality of being a theatre artist can create a pattern that mimics this kind of behavior. I do believe, however, that I am prone to 'depressive episodes'. I love this quote, "Depression occurs when fantasy collapses in the face of reality." I think this pretty well sums up what happens. Because theatre demands an intense use of the imagination, and because it drives itself by the subconscious, it is indeed a 'fantasy parallel', and of course fantasy always collapses at some point.

I also believe in my case, there is a paradox that seems a lot like therapy, (because I usually do very personal work) but it is also 'taxing' on the psyche in other ways. Although I think it is ultimately 'good' to have this kind of therapy, there really isn't, I believe, a complete 'closure' on many things we go through in this life. 

I didn't have time to post the previous entry yesterday, so today is another day. Last night's show was pretty good, although after several days off it seems a 'warm up' performance. The good news is that David Fofi, (the artistic director of the theatre) wants me to extend the show an extra week and release a 'extended run press release'. This means he really liked the show. It is good for his theatre to have this show in his theatre. I also have hired an additional producer/publicist, and am already seeing a result of her work. The reservations are finally starting to come in. The other good news/bad news scenario is that now there is press coming on all three of the upcoming shows, with the LA Times coming on Sunday! Good for us if they like the show, bad for me because it increases the pressure. Still, I have the show down pretty well, and just have to make sure I'm resting and eating my rice and beans. The show continues to have wonderful unexpected twists and turns.  Tonight, there are twenty Australians coming, a result of a friend, Carla Werner who saw the show opening night and is now bringing 'Australia'. So, the ball is definitely on the roll. Tomorrow night, 'Backstage' is coming, which is the trade magazine much like 'Variety'. We are continuing to improve the show, and are excited about its future. 

Additionally, my older brother Gary came to stay last night, and with my mother coming Saturday, it looks to be a very 'full' weekend. I was also approached by two young actors who unbeknownst to me, having been doing one of my other plays, 'Under The Desert' in their acting class. I had given this play to David Fofi when I first started rehearsing and didn't give it another thought. He took it into his acting class. Well, these two young actors want to produce the whole play! We'll see what happens there, but all I know is that good things are continuing to happen. All just 'acts of faith', as I think about it, and I suppose a few years of living on the inside of a theatre. I'll make sure I continue to log in the news as it reveals itself...